He is being great about all of this which I really appreciate. He hasn't expressed any sadness really, he's being very accepting but I know on some level he is upset. He's just a self contained person so when it comes to breakups, it's no different. I think it's actually very helpful, as it isn't out of character and it was something I was expecting so if he were to break down in tears yelling 'what will I do without you!?' I think I'd be totally thrown off guard.
Hopefully this will mean that as we both move on with our lives, we'll be able to remain in contact and possibly even meet up as friends in future. I really would like that. We've agreed that we're going to spend new years eve together and try and make the best of it as there's not much else either of us can do. He is a lovely person and there are things that we share in common. When times were good they really were great, we had a lot of fun. Just not enough of it.
I've been feeling very daunted by the idea of the future and very scared of it. In our nice flat and us both behaving very nicely, it makes me wonder if I'm making a mistake. But going out for a walk and talking to my brother about it, helps put me back on the straight and narrow. I know this is something I've been feeling for a long time, and that it will surely come up again and again if I keep putting it off. And the more time one invests, the harder and harder things get. So I know I'm doing the right thing for both of us. It's just, it's very draining. I'm upset that I'm in the position, I'm disappointed that it didn't work out, I'm worried that I've wasted precious time, I'm daunted at the prospect of starting again, or time on my own, being 'single'... It's a wound and I need to give it time to heal. And in all that mess of negative emotions, I also feel a tiny bit of excitement at the future. If I found Joe and Chris and Andy in the past, there will be someone else. And with every false start and life experience, I learn more about myself and the sort of person I'm looking for. I have a clearer idea of who I want to spend my life with. I'm also looking forward to having my own space again. I'm sure it won't be perfect, but I'm sure I'll make it as much as my own as possible. I'm also looking forward to the idea of meeting people again, when able of course. I don't want to rush into it, but I feel myself wanting to download the apps and get cracking to distract me from the hurt and fear. But I know doing that is not only disrespectful to Andy (though I know he wouldn't really care,) but also to myself, and I'm more likely to make the same mistakes again. It's not like all the good ones are going to get snapped up while I'm not on the apps! Plus I'm more likely to miss those 'good ones' if I just steam straight in. I haven't cared about myself in a long time, so I should really start doing that.
Sigh. At least time is going by quickly. I think it's being in our joint space that makes me feel this way, when I've my own space I'm sure I'll start to feel much better. I've also made my peace with knowing that Andy's going to look after Strudle and that he is his cat now. It does break my heart but, they've spent every single day together since we got him and Andy truly adores him. He says they're best friends and he wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to him, and I believe it. Ive made it clear that if it were to feel too much for him or if he couldn't look after him anymore, that I would then take him.
Sigh. I can't believe this is happening. I just want to sleep until the 5th and start moving my stuff out.
But tomorrow is the funeral. I haven't driven in ages so I'm nervous for the journey, its going to be a long, emotional day. But Andy said he'd be there to hug upon my return which I really will appreciate. We still love each other, just, not in the usual couple relationshipy way.
I hope I can keep it together tomorrow and hope that I will eventually stop crying. I hope I don't lose sight of what I really want and who I really want to be with. Ultimately, that's why I'm doing this. I hope I'll start to feel better soon...
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