23.12.20

I type this on a Wednesday night at half past 10 and Andy is fast asleep beside me, drunk. He looks so beautiful while he sleeps, so peaceful and silent. In these moments I wonder what it is that we could be, how things would be if we stayed together, if I left and ultimately what became of us. What was the turning point for me?

He can't help the way he is, he hasn't had a great start in life, it isn't his fault. He isn't ready for the things I want, and that's absolutely okay. He is like many others, and sadly many others I've been with.

Tomorrow will be Christmas eve, I have no idea where this year has gone. I should be feeling excited and happy but I'm not feeling very festive at all, instead I am feeling very guilty. I feel awful hiding these feelings from him. Though I'm sure he knows about it, he knows something is up. Every time we have a talk, I come away feeling worse. I just never feel like he gives a fuck. I realise how much effort he doesn't make when I consciously don't make an effort. Unfortunately all I can see now are the irritating things that I turned a blind eye to before, but then as soon as make a move into something I want, I feel incredibly sad. I feel as though I'm giving up on us. I know he cares about me, but doesn't know how to convey it and it's pretty confidence treading after a while. Then I start to believe it. I can't cry any more. If I do, they will be tears for Strudle, who I fear I'll need to leave with Andy (he's not working so he's able to give him lots of time, which is what's best for him. But it does weigh heavy on my heart.) 

I think I need to find someone who's a bit older maybe. Someone who's ready to do the things I want, yet still be fun, humorous, who is basically just excited to be with me. I know he's out there, I've always known it, it's just I hope I don't get messed around anymore. I think that's down to me...

I put down a holding deposit for a flat, the one I saw originally. It's in an area I used to live a few years ago and love. It's a very small place but it's quirky and it's all I need for a little while, 6 months maybe more while I find my feet. I'm so worried about telling Andy, I feel a giant knot in my stomach and I just want to disappear. But I know I wouldn't have done so if it didn't feel right. I can't stay in something that is wrong for me. He's not a bad person, I still want him to be in my life as a friend and I think he wants to be in mine too, it just feels so very surreal.

I feel scared, worried and afraid for what the future holds. I also feel a little excited but mostly terrified. I don't want to hurt or upset him, or live in a horribly awkward environment for longer than I can stand. I do hope it'll be amicable and I doubt it'll be a surprise for him, but I'm not entirely sure how he'll react and that's the worst thing. I just pray it'll be okay when I tell him, if I do tell him... When? This close to Christmas and New Year? But then it'll be January which is his least favourite month, then his birthday... God. I'm going to go to sleep, I don't have to make any scary decisions when I'm unconscious.