Surprisingly I spilt all my woes to my hairdresser who I've known for a good year or so. She passionately encouraged me to get out of a relationship that wasn't making me happy and shared her own experience with a guy who sounds similar to Andy. I came away feeling empowered but today I wake up to an empty bed and feel hollow. I'm trying to think of the reasons why we're together and really, I can only think of 2 or 3 and most of them are logistical. It makes me feel guilty, I don't want to feel this way about him. I don't want to start resenting him when he can't help being the way he is. I felt sick knowing that there will be no comfortable conversion and I doubt it'll be mutual either, not because he loves me and wants to stay together, but because I'm easy to live with and put up with his shit. He'll be fine though I'm sure. 'He's very handsome so he probably feels he doesn't have to try,' mum said to me dryly one day. And rightly. It's true. It's rare he ever tries with me. Because I make everything so damn easy for him!
I don't want to do this at this time of year, stupid Christmas and stupid Covid have made everything so much more difficult. But really, there will never be a good time to do something like this. I don't think I have the courage to do anything yet but, I'm seriously considering it. So much so I'm going to see a flat today after work, in an area I used to live and enjoyed my independence there. This area has always been his and I've never connected to it, it's because but the only reason I'm here is him.
I'm hoping I'll be able to hold on over Christmas because I don't want to be alone, or leave him on his own. I feel terribly sad at the prospect of leaving our cat behind but I'm sure he'll want to have him. And I'll let him if it means things will be civil. Plus, it'll be fairer on the cat too. It's so upsetting, really that's a big part of why I've stayed for as long as I have.
I feel a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, how did I get it so wrong? How can I make sure that this never happens again? I really need to have some time by myself to figure things out. I shouldn't go rushing in to something straight away.
I've just got to take things one day at a time. I don't have to do anything yet, nobody's putting any pressure on me. But both Zoe and Ed said that when I do get out, I'll wonder why I waited as long as I did. I know I'll feel relief, like I did all the times before.
I will find someone else. And someone else who'll want me, who will love and respect me and want all the things I want too. I just feel like such a fraud.
But he'd be deluded if he felt we worked great together. We don't really laugh, we don't have sex, we don't share the same political opinions, we don't share the same goals or dreams. We're together because we get along but that's not enough of a reason.
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