14.12.20

Heartbroken. Numb. Lost.

I feel so disconnected from reality. I morn the loss of Sally and I ache feeling dad's pain as he realises that she has moved on from this world. I feel heartbroken knowing that my relationship is over, we're just prolonging the inevitable because there's nowhere else either of us can go.

I feel empty knowing this. Though I can pretend, I just feel like such a fool for ever moving in with him, for getting our beloved cat, for talking about future plans.

On the day after finding out the news of my stepmum, Andy somehow managed to make the day all about him and his frustrations with his personal situation, I just couldn't find the energy to give a shit. I'm just, all out of them now. I'm fed up of saying the same things to him, we're stuck on repeat. We went for an evening walk and I snapped. I told him how I didn't feel I was able to talk to him, that I feared for our future, how I worried I was wasting my time. Did I feel reassured? Of course not. He said he's scared of commitment, has fears of feeling trapped in a life he's not ready for. He didn't know if we were on the same page. He was cold, blunt, harsh. I just burst into tears. I made him feel utterly disgusting and I was so pleased because he deserved it. And I don't deserve to be made to feel this way, I know there's someone far better suited for me out there, who will know he's ready for these things as soon as he sees me. I shouldnt have to wait or persuade. I've waited long enough. I've forgotten what having fun feels like. I forgotten what a brighter future looks like.

And I was scared of starting again but I know now is better than if I were to try and wait another 2 or 3 years.

Real love is worth waiting for.

I just feel like a sham spending Christmas together because neither of us have anywhere else to go.

He doesn't give a fuck because he's handsome and doesn't need to try. I'm just an annoying buzz in his ear that will eventually go away.

So I'm using this time to build a new profile, and plan for my exit from this absolute nightmare.

And if I need to go sooner then I'll go sooner. I've family and I still have the friends who I'd thought had forgotten about me.

I'm going to try not to let him get to me, it wasn't my fault this happened.

I'm sure I'll be able to fill the meantime with pleasantness and who knows, maybe it'll go okay. But I know what i need to do, I always have. God was giving me one final red flag. I've just got to bide my time.