02.12.20

I'm in another one of those slumps, where I just feel trapped, sad and at a bit of a loss as to what to do. Mostly in my relationship. I just don't feel confident that this person is really right for me. The red flags have been appearing throughout the duration of our 1 and a half years that i've turned a blind eye to but I think during our last discussion, another appeared that can't be ignored. Pretty much all of the discussions we've ever had have left me feeling cold, in tears and under the impression he simply doesn't give a fuck.

We were talking about finances, which I hate doing at the best of times. It was one of those 'big chats' where you both talk about the future etc. So, important stuff. But god, it was uncomfortable. He admitted that he hasn't been thinking about the same sorts of things as me (buying a place together - with the stress being on 'one day' no time soon,) he didn't seem to think that by having a place to call our own would change anything. Although I do see his point, I disagree. I don't think he understood why it was a big deal to me, where we have a home now that we've built together. He feels we're already there. But, it's without the commitment. He said himself that he's scared of big commitments, which is NO surprise to me at all. I am in no rush for any of these things but I just want to know that we're on the same page. And I don't think we are. And I haven't thought that for a long time. Actually, ever. 

I don't see there being a compromise either because he's very stuck in his ways and his beliefs which, I've no idea where he gets them from. 

I know what I need to do, it just hurts because we do get on well. It's just, kinda the same as Chris I guess. He's enjoying the easy time of it and i'm left feeling in the dark. I feel weird about Christmas (which we're spending together,) when my heart isn't fully in it and I have doubts. I should talk about these doubts of course but no good will come from them, he won't tell me what I want to hear and he won't appreciate me rocking the boat. This is it - I don't trust him, I assume he'll let me down because that's what he usually does. 

It's okay. I've just got to keep treading this water. I've got a plan in place, 6 months. Maybe even 3, if I find the right sort of place to move to before then. I can't do anything now because of fucking Covid. I know I could get away if I really needed to, but it hasn't come to that just yet. I'm sure I can block it out, this whirling of anxiety in my stomach at the prospect of starting all over again. But do I feel he'll change? No. Not even a couple of years' time, and then I'll be 32 maybe even 33 probably in exactly the same place I am now. And that thought fills me with dread. 

I don't think he really knows what he wants. He says one thing one rant, then another thing in another. He's incapable of having a grown up discussion without freaking out, or acting like he's being attacked. 

Man, I miss laughing too. I miss riffing off someone and laughing at the same jokes. 

I feel low and run down, but at least I can break away if I absolutely need to. I am independent and I have my hopes and dreams that i'm never going to lose sight of. I'm sure everything will be okay in the end. I've just got to look after myself as best as possible and start thinking about how to not make the same mistakes again.