26.11.20

It's been the first entry in what feels like a couple of months. I find it hard to believe but then I can hardly believe that next week we'll be in December and I wonder where the year has gone. 

In many ways, i'm glad that it's gone by quickly. A lot has happened this year that i'm pleased to see the back of. It's all blended together in this strange fuzzy haze of regret, fear and disillusion. There have been some positives but of course i'm typing this on a day where I feel pretty low. 

I feel distant from my friends, I don't feel I have any. They're all busy being parents. I'm sure that's my own insecurities/desire to be a parent that's standing in the way of friendships, but i'm not ready to address that just yet. I miss my family, it's been a long time since I was able to see them. I miss my independence, just being able to hop in the car and go somewhere if I feel like it. I miss having something to look forward to.

I feel left behind. I feel lost. I fear I'll be in this weird emotional place for the next 5 years. I can't have that, I don't want that. I just want to run away and start again. 

I didn't get to the next stage of that application and I haven't even thought about applying anywhere else, but my god I have to get out of that place. I feel trapped. I feel as though the life I want is so far away.

I've got to keep believing what I keep telling myself:

Stop comparing yourself to others. 

A lot can happen in 6 months. 

I'm still young. 

Its never too late. 

If you want something enough, you'll get it.

Now is not the time to do anything rash. 

Trust the process. 

Its all going to be okay.

I have been enjoying lockdown part 2 though, spending more time away from work has been great. 

I'm going to play The Sims and pretend I'm living another life...