27.10.20

I'll be a good 40 mins early for work but even on a rainy day like today, I don't care, I just wanted to get out of there.

Dan isn't a real escape for me, he's a distraction, as he's always been. And he always seems to make an appearance at times where I feel my relationships are at their weakest. But it's attention and I didn't realise how much I missed it, as awful as that sounds. I definitely feel guilty for entertaining it but it reminds me of who I used to be and there's something very addictive about that. He will always be a special friend to me, we've a history that goes back a long way and there's not many people I can say that about. But it's not the healthiest of friendships, I'm aware of that. But it just gives me a sense of control where it's lacking in other areas.

I'm continuing to stick with the book and am gradually making my way through it slowly and it's very insightful. I'm making my way to the difficult steps which includes going through all the people you've wronged in the past. It brings up painful memories. I know that I carry a lot of this pain and guilt around with me on a daily basis and affects the relationships I have with others. I dare say i'd be in a much healthier relationship if I'd nipped a lot of these things in the bud a long time ago. I can only blame myself. And my lack of slowing down.  I realise that few of the relationships in my life are actually solid. 

6 months more...if I can stand it. God. I wish I had the guts to leave. 

It's a really shit day today, I'm feeling very down indeed. He's off meeting her and walks away pretty soon after he's told me. He's so selfish and immature. I only pray they don't go to our house, because of the awful weather. I guess he wouldn't tell me either way, but the idea of her being in my space just makes me want to throw up. Completely crossing boundaries. 

*

Okay, so she didn't as far as I'm aware. But I hate not knowing what I'll be coming back to. I can't dread returning to what should be my home. 

I think it's because I haven't truly connected to the area at all, it doesn't feel mine. It feels like it's theirs. I know everyone has a history, but it just feels tainted somehow. I'm sure it's only a matter of time til she makes her presence known, but I'd rather be incognito indefinitely. Or find a place where I can be myself. Not constantly drained. 

Ah well, I'm just in a shit mood I suppose. 

6 months.