09.10.20

We all have our own vices. Every human being is going through something or other, or has done at some point. Everyone has suffered, or is suffering from something.

I'm trying to identify what it is I'm supressing.

I'm reading Russel Brand's 'Recovery' which I picked up off the bookshelf for curiosity, but realised after a couple of pages I think I do have a few addictions, of varying degrees of severity. I mean, none of them are serious. But, combined they're starting to pile up on me. Tiredness of everyday life has made me less resilient and I fear that soon I will snap again, as I did yesterday.

It was an awful day yesterday, mentally it was a struggle. I was working from home and should have been relaxed but instead I fretted and I worried and I snapped at Andy. We ended up arguing and I ended up feeling like a fool. I want to say that we'll be okay but I'm not sure, because carrying on as though everything is fine hasn't done the trick and won't do it in the future either.

I don't think he's the one for me, I doubt I ever thought he was. But I was kidding myself because I wanted so much to meet someone so I could stop the cycle of constantly moving, burning up any savings on said move thus having to maintain a unfulfilling job. He lost me that Friday he woke up drunk, still high on drugs and said hurtful things he can't even remember. I pictured my mum standing there, looking at me bewildered saying 'is this what you think you deserve!?'

I spoke to my brother at lunchtime today and he shared his doubts that he had regarding my relationship and didn't feel it was the best for me. I know it isn't. But it's scary to leave. I'm trying to come up with a plan. I don't feel able to leave just yet, it doesn't feel like I have enough of a reason but surely being happy, anxious and on edge is a massive sign that we're not compatible. It's the way I'm feeling, it is what it is, I shouldn't have to validate how I feel. And yet I still struggle to say how I feel.

The agents have granted us a 6 month break clause, which I'm grateful for. 6 months feels manageable. Perhaps I'll have sorted out a new career path, a place to live and fuck, some courage. Who knows. A lot can happen in that time. Maybe things will get better but I'm not sure how. I don't ever feel reassured and I don't feel he gives much of a shit either. 

I shouldn't let a damn contract stop me from doing what I want to do, but the logistics of life make it so difficult.

I'm going to try and put all of this at the back of my mind and take each day at a time. Try and enjoy each day I have on this planet. I just need more time to plan and think things through. I worry I'm wasting time but 6 months isn't too bad, it takes the pressure off the idea that I might do something I regret.

But, I don't feel love anymore. I don't think this is what's best...I do feel Covid has a part to play in all this and I do feel my own mental state affects how I view our relationship. But, he's not who I want in a crisis. He doesn't make me feel confident...Ultimately, he doesn't make me feel happy. 

I am through the first round in my application though, so that's something. I'm just going to throw all my effort into that over the next week and just hope for the very best. If it doesn't pan out, well, I'll come up with another idea. But for now, it's an opportunity. And I need to make the most of the cheaper rent at the moment, and my adorable kitten who I might lose if we did break up. It's an awful thought :( 

I don't know why I feel so negative today, we're going to meet soon for dinner and hopefully an evening of fun ahead. I hope it won't be forced fun but it's difficult to believe otherwise.