I'll be honest, last week wasn't great. On Thursday afternoon my boss casually told me how now my position wouldn't change when my more senior colleague goes on maternity leave - we'll 'muddle through it' (which is basically code for, we'll all continue to dump shit we can't be bothered to do on you and then some.) It was a positive nugget of hope I was holding onto while I'm extremely frustrated with this damn place - now it's been shattered. I should never have hoped, this company doesn't give a shit about me at all. I know my colleagues individually value me, and without wanting to sound big-headed, I hold the department together while everyone else does the bare minimum and waltzes in when they feel like it. If I left, they wouldn't know what to do. But I cannot leave, as nobody is employing right now. In many ways, I'm very lucky to still be here while there's so much uncertainty going on in the world right now. But it makes me feel trapped. And when I feel trapped, I feel miserable and only seem to see the negatives of the situation, while I know there are a few positives.
The following Friday morning I woke up to the neighbour alerting me to the fact that my car was being clamped. I stood in the pouring rain trying to reason with the blunt bailiff who was having it none of it. I was luckily able to negotiate £300 off the total but it was still a pricey sum to pay, after a simple error of not changing my address and an unpaid toll fee back in January. Once upon a time I wouldn't have been able to have paid that there and then. I felt lucky I was able to get them off my case there and then - and was thankful I was able to hold it together as I could have easily have burst into pathetic 'woe is me' tears.
It was an expensive lesson, i'm appealing it, we'll see how that goes. I'm still pissed off with work, but I made a request for a day working from home as it's unfair i'm the only person coming in every day and I can easily work from home. It's hard biting my tongue but the wheels are in motion, we'll just have to wait and see when it lands. There's only so much I can do, I really mustn't let it get to me - it isn't worth it. I am not being paid enough for it to be worth the upset!
On Saturday morning, I took the first steps in the application process for Think Ahead - the scheme i've been mulling over for the past 2 years. I will find out in a couple of weeks if I made it through the first round. I am hopeful. I have spent the past 2 months preparing, doing a free Open University course all about social work that's given me a boost of confidence, I just hope I have the opportunity to show the hard work, effort and passion that I have- how desperate I am to get out of this awful environment and do something helpful with my life. I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, of course. And if I don't get through, I'll need to have a serious think about my next course of action. But I need to come up with a plan all the same. It is vital that I don't loose hope.
Something that's been helping is streamlining my wardrobe. It sounds very vain but I'm tired of looking at all my beautiful garments but drawing a blank as to what to wear each morning. I found myself buying even more to try and add some excitement in my life and help give me some style direction, but it's long been confused. This is something I've talked about a lot here in the past, I know it. And around this time of year too.
I've spent a good week decluttering it all, taking out the things I never wear or don't fit right or just aren't 'me' anymore. I sold enough of it to pay that dang ticket fine so I suppose that's something. I wanted to put the proceeds towards a new desk so I have a space to do my artwork. We'll see if that's possible. I've donated the rest. I hope to have a more 'capsule' style wardrobe to last through all seasons that make me feel great and stand the test of time. It's a tall order but I feel it's what I deserve. Dressing well is a source of huge confidence to me and it can even go as far as to make a good day great or a bad day awful. So, we'll see what i'm left with. I'm trying to be careful not going too mad, otherwise I go out and re-purchase it all which is the opposite to what I want to do!
It's been a rather cleansing process and it seems to have had a positive impact on my mental health. I hope it continues. It has been triggered a little by the idea of needing to leave suddenly, there would be less for me to pack and carry.
But I've thought less about leaving recently. Maybe I'm distracted, maybe I'm just trying to declutter my mind. But for now, I just want to wait and see.
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