28.09.20

Friday night it was nearly all over. I'm still reeling from the disappointment, frustration and fear. Fear of him doing this to me again.

He went out at 3pm, came home at goodness know with his mate, both of them fucked, slack jawed, noses running, beers still in hand, bearly stringing sentences together.

The following morning I told him I was concerned about his behaviour, to which he flipped off the handle, storming about like a child, taking the complete opposite of what I was saying - completely unreasonable. He was a complete and utter dick. I packed a small bag including the small amount of valuables I own and drove home to see dad. I couldn't be there while his head was spinning from his self inflicted hangover from hell. Not going to be yelled at like he's the victim and how dare I try and talk about how I feel. Fuck that. I let him stew.

I don't think he's the one for me. My body has grown cold knowing that our home doesn't really feel like home anymore.

When I returned he expressed his sinsere apologies. Said his head wasn't screwed on properly the morning I 'confronted' him, that he was still 'gone.' I said that this wasn't what I signed up to, that drunken stumbling in during the small hours on a weeknight were left in my student days, it's not what I want now. I said if he wanted that life he was welcome to it, but I didn't want a part of it. And finally last night, I said that I never want to feel the way I did ever again and if I did, I was out of there.

He's got the message, it's just I wonder if he will when he's next out with a mate having a beer. I wonder if he'll remember to text, or maybe I won't cross his mind at all. He's taking me for granted and it's grating on me now. I don't want to be his teacher, don't want to be his emotional punchbag while he spirals out of control. I don't want to tell him what to do, I want someone who knows what path they're on and wants me to join them on it.

He's got a month. That's enough time to disappoint me again, it took him less time the last occasions.

I know Covid has meant a lot of change to his life, its affected so many people. I know he's bored and doesn't feel he has any responsibilities. But in my opinion, that's no excuse. We're 30 fucking years old now, not twenty somethings learning our limits.

He thinks he's better than he used to be but I wouldn't know about that. I don't want there to be such a past to be honest. The red flags are piling up high, I just have to find the strength to get out.

'I know it only takes a couple of times...' at least he knows. But any grand making up gestures aren't on the horizon, nope.

Shit.

Back to the drawing board.