It's a really lovely sunny day today so I decided to walk in. I felt reasonably okay but when my phone decided to glitch every 8 seconds into a song I found myself ripping the earphones from my ears, throwing the bastard into my bag and marching along the rest of the way. Every person that crossed my path was out to frustrate me. Every happy family I walked past was rubbing it in my face. Every beautiful view was tainted by my bitterness.
I think I feel better now. Whatever I felt earlier seems to have passed through my system but I found myself casually thinking about death and how much of a relief it would be if I just died. It's such a dramatic, awful thing to even contemplate but it's become so normal to me. I just feel trapped and I'm sure it's from my own doing.
I'm typing this to save my hand from wandering over to the computer mouse and trawling online stores for things to buy. I nearly impulse bought another dress yesterday but managed to stop myself mid-way. It's an easy thrill but wears off as soon as the 'checkout complete' page comes up. It's easy to misunderstand that the buzz from buying something will give the same sort of buzz when wearing/using but of course that isn't really the case. But I can say that now, after buying dresses earlier in the week.
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