14.09.20

So, I seem to have this very deep seeded fear that I'm not on the right path, my future is cloudy and I'm likely wasting my time what with everything I'm doing right now. But Instead of trying to focus on trying to strengthen what I currently have, I've been doing the very opposite by distancing myself. After a clear weekend (not entirely, I mean, I did end up having a couple of drinks but, it was only a couple! And didn't succumb to the urge to take drugs!) I've been disappointing in learning this about myself.

I felt a sadness on Sunday morning as we walked in the sunshine. I could see myself try and point the blame on Andy but really it was at myself I was sad at and my past actions. I was intruiged by a flicker of prospective fun, the chance to explore fantasies. But, I'm not sure it would be worth it. In fact, almost definitely not. When I feel unsure or worried, I feel myself start to silently detatach and start looking for new prospects. Thing is, it looks in places where these 'prospects' are likely fleeting. Or only after one thing. And that can be very exciting but its absolutely not the right thing to do when I'm sad about other things. But my mind tries to convince me that it is. That it would be just the sort of fun I need. When what really happens, is that it confuses me. It adds to a problem which wasn't even there to start with. Urgh. Sex is easy, it's the aftermath that's the really difficult bit. And I'm trying to use hindsight to realise this before I think about doing anything foolish. It wouldn't be right at all, of course. But I'm also reminded that I'm not in that place, my home is shared, I'm in a relationship, I can't just pick and choose when I want to realise this. 

I think a weekend without (as much) drink helped me see more clearly. Plus me and Andy had some really lovely time together. We ended up being intimate more than once, which always makes me feel better about life in general. It releases such a lot of tension, I know it's positive in all aspects. For the first time in a long time we've had the energy to do it, which feels ridiculous what with us both being healthy. Just goes to show how powerful alcohol is. So instead of looking in places I shouldn't I'm going to try and look where I am instead. 'The grass is green where you water it' comes to mind.

We'll see how this week progresses.