11.09.20

There's always someone worse off than yourself.

I am incredibly lucky to be here. I don't know why yet, but I'm trying to learn more about that as each day goes by.

I'm typing this out to help curb this anxious and sad feeling I have dawning on me, as I make my way back home. I should be feeling excited but in truth, I'm not. I'm trying to work out why that it is but it's hard to put my finger on. I turned my phone on airplane mode to help stop me checking for notifications to find none at all. I've put headphones in with no music to help drown out everyone else. Trying to find inner peace on a rickety bus during rush hour is hard but god I've got to try or I'll surely cry. 

I should talk to him about how I feel but I don't know how, I don't even have anything to say. But recently I haven't been looking forward to returning home. I'm anxious if anything. Anxious that he's going to let me down again, in some way shape or form. Maybe he's seeking attention elsewhere, maybe he's in a weird mood, maybe he's acting distant and uninterested again. I haven't felt wanted in a long time. I'm never sure if he even likes me, let alone loves me. I don't know what has sparked this horrible feeling in my tummy but it's not healthy, I know that. I don't want to feel this way but I don't want to be alone either. 

And its that feeling that makes me want to drink. Because drinking makes me forget these things for a short time, it brings me to life, makes me fun and loud and we have a nice evening regardless. Its a patch to cover up the leaky pipe, I know this. And the weekend will be a blur and I'll be back at work which I don't like with people I don't much like which doesn't leave much in the way of fun. This is how bad habits start, or have already started. 

In one moment I just want to die. I fantastize about a car coming around the corner and knocking me off my feel, knocking the life out of me. I start to wish for it. Then I feel guilty when I think about my family who would be sad if this were to happen. I feel guilty looking at my life from the outside and it looks good. I feel guilty knowing I've so much to give and yet I'm settling for a lacklustre reality. Though I am nourished physically, mentally I am wasting away. 

I even feel tempted to call a number or something, just so I have someone to cry to. But I don't feel like I will actually harm myself, just, hate that I can't stop thinking about it. It feels as though its the only way out but I know that's not the case. 

Perhaps it's the dawning of November and the contract renewal situation that's playing on my mind. Today, I wouldn't re sign it. But perhaps tomorrow I'll feel differently. Probably. 

I just, want a nice man, who likes a laugh and wants to settle down, blend me in with his family and friends and likes a good laugh. I know why Andy is the way he is but I worry I'll be waiting for many years. He's too set in his catastophising ways. I don't know what i am to him.