I did feel sick when he came back two and a half hours later than he said he would, meeting up with his ex once again. He did tell me that he was going, which was something, and when he planned on returning. The thing was he didn't come back then, so I wish he hadn't even said anything.
It will always make me feel uncomfortable, it's just something i've got to deal with. And it'll take a long time. I meant what I said to a friend, my penpal of nearly a year who's become a very dear friend actually, 'I'm not ready to meet her yet. The sad reality is that I don't feel strong enough or confident in mine and Andy's relationship to handle her not liking me.' If she's as manipulative as I've heard her to be (a lot,) i'm not going to assume that we'll get along like a house on fire. And maybe that's wrong of me, maybe I should assume the best outcome. But I don't get nice vibes from her, I don't like what she did to Andy, I think she's a bad influence entirely. I am happy with her not knowing me. At this time, i'd rather be just as mysterious to her - though i'm sure she doesn't give a fuck.
To be honest, last night I didn't feel he gave a fuck about me either. I know he's just going out with a friend or whatever, but I don't like the way it feels, to be the sad girlfriend waiting at home for her boyfriend to return late and drunk. I've never had to put up with it before in a relationship and I don't plan on doing so now. I thought about looking at flats again, running away from all the bullshit and starting all over again. But this morning as I got ready, I just wanted to cuddle him and just...be us. He seems to want that to, but, I don't think he realises how it upsets me. And if I ever try and explain my feelings, he jumps to ridiculous assumptions, takes it very personally, acts very defensive, not at all rational. Then it's me trying to piece it all back together again, like he's a fragile child on the cusp of having a tantrum over nothing. It isn't fair. But then, he probably feels I'm unfair for feeling upset when he's still in contact with her.
And today, I just don't want to waste the emotional bandwidth on either him or her. I don't want to keep having these horrible pangs of fear in my stomach, why should I? He wouldn't if it were the other way around.
I still feel very on the fence about where things are with him and me. One moment I feel happy, the next I my mind is yelling 'no! no! no!' over and over again. I blame myself. But as i'm trying to work on my happiness and work through my feelings in general, I realise that he's to blame too. Then, I want to let the blame go altogether. Life is too short for that.
Who knows. Maybe i'll go and take a look at a couple of flats and see how I feel when I go. - Excited, well, there's a sign. Upset? Perhaps there's work still to be done with 'us.'
I know that nobody is perfect and that's what I keep telling myself. Relationships take a lot of work, whoever i'm with i'm sure they'll end up upsetting me at some point or another. I don't want to bail out if things if we're going through a rough patch. But, I also don't want to keep putting up with shit in the hope that things will get better. Especially when it's easy, basic stuff. I'm not trying to be difficult or unreasonable at all, far from it.
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