07.09.20

Friday night was...truly terrible. 

Truly ghastly. 

Time of the month hit and instead of eating properly I got incredibly drunk. And not a fun drunk. It was embarrassing. But I suppose in many ways, it needed to happen. Me and Andy had nice evening plans on the cards but what ended up happening? We had a heated argument in one of our favourite restaurants. I feel so ashamed. Clearly, it was in me and needed to come out. The next day I felt incredibly guilty and apologised profusely but he didn't want to give me a hard time about it, thankfully. I was feeling down and low because I feel lost and I took it all out on him. The remaining day was better and Sunday was really nice, I feel as though we're much more connected than we were before. But good grief, it really wasn't good and the way I felt on Friday - both physically and mentally was just...well, it seriously put me off drinking for a very long time.

I'll be honest with myself here, I haven't been feeling very well for a few months. Everything is surely catching up with me and it takes time to process, but these days I find myself resorting to unhealthy ways to block out, well, the bad in my mind. I don't want to anymore. I want to be aware of everything that's happening, the good and the bad. I'm tired of feeling like this, I really can't believe that I've let things get so drastically out of hand as they have. 

Friday night although perfectly normal (- I mean, he was selfish and irresponsible last weekend and his way of communicating it with me could have been lots better,) it was a warning. Not only to him but to me. This isn't the way I want to be. If I'm not careful, I will fall into the bleak, dark hole where I should be working on a better, brighter future. I am quick to blame Andy for making me feel sad and sometimes he does, but often it's me making myself feel that way. I also don't talk to him enough about when he upsets me so he isn't to know. 

I need to forgive myself for many things. I'm also going to start looking after myself much better. 

No more alcohol, drugs, chocolate. At the moment I don't have a good relationship with any of them. No, I'm going to focus on making better choices to hopefully help me feel much better in the hopefully near future.