'General ultrasound' at least I'm not going to be surrounded by pregnant women. It's not that I don't like them, it's just I feel so incredibly envious of them, that they are at a place in their life I so want to be.
I'm an hour early, waiting to be seen to check that everything is okay after my last stint in hospital. A couple of months ago I wasnt sure all was healed but now I think it has. Its just for peace of mind really.
So I have some time to sit and wait in this dimly lit, windowless room to gather some thoughts. This environment isn't one I'm savouring, but I'm hopeful it'll be over quickly and everything will be fine. The next time I'm here I hope it'll be for a different, more positive reason. Goodness only knows when that will be. But finally my mind is giving me a rest, some light relief from the constant barrage of 'you're too old for what you desire' thoughts chipping away at my confidence.
I think things are getting better but I'm sure that's something that will change by the time the weekend rolls around. Things have been a bit up and down in terms of me and Andy, not that he's really aware of this. His panic attack a couple of weeks ago made me concerned for him which in turn made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. We just weren't clicking at all, I didn't feel close to him and after a day/night of drinking with a mate, stumbling in through the door loudly in the small hours without any notice just felt like it was the last straw. I started enquiring into one bedroom flats with every intention into going to view them. We went for a walk around the park and I was able to vent some of my frustrations which he took reasonably well, if not a little definestive initially. He asked me what things I'd like changed and it left me stumped. It's not that I want to change anything major, and when forced to think about it I feel things are generally okay. I just haven't been feeling reassured that we're on the same page that we once were. Maybe we never have been. I didn't say that to him but lately I feel I'm less with a man and more with a teenage boy who I'm on the cusp of scolding. I don't, because I realise he's lost his grandmother who he was close to, along with the life he used to have, the freedom to be free and go to things he'd like like gigs, concerts, movies. His confidence is slipping. So in many ways I don't blame him for forgetting the little things, or for not caring about the same things I do right now because I suppose we are in different places. I'm back at work once again and with a routine he doesnt have. So, my mind is skipping ahead when he's is slowing down.
I want to help him but find myself frustrated.
But then yesterday I accompanied him to his grandmothers funeral and I felt so much love for him, and his family. It's a strange set up but it was nice to meet new members and celebrate the life of his grandmother who nearly made it to 100. It was nice to see where he lived for 5 years or more, and photos framed of him and his sister when they were children. He was becoming less mysterious with the more I was learning about him.
His father's wife has revently given birth to a baby. As I chased their other 3 year old around and played, his dad joked that 'I'd be next.' God, I could only wish. I wanted him to tell Andy that, and encourage him that it would all be fine. But they don't have that sort of relationship. I'm glad he made the joke though, sure it was only a passing comment but he didn't have to make it. I joked that Andy would have a heart attack to which he said 'yeah it's a shock but then you get over it,' which made me feel a bit better somehow. Being a new father has clearly mellowed him out where before he was constantly on at Andy to work, work, work.
I don't want to lose faith in him. In us. I hope that we have enough to keep us together but maybe if I still feel this way in a couple of months, I won't renew the tenancy.
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