19.08.20

That's more like it. Waking up to grey clouds, cool air and drizzly rain. Perfectly reflecting today's mood. I get off the bus then to the tube where I venture down the stairs deep to the underground tunnels. Being beneath the surface feels good, it's where I want to be today. I don't want to have to face the light, face other people, face myself. I feel sad because I should feel happy. I feel old when I should feel as though my life is just beginning. I feel lost when everything tells me that I am found. I think I'm just tired. The weekend is catching up with me and as nice as it was to see mum, she knows how to plant the seeds of doubt into my mind. We always manage to get onto the subjects I make a point of avoiding. She reminds me of her life and everything she'd accomplished at 30, how now I'm stepping into a new territory and that my chances go down as each day passes on by. Even though I know she's wrong in many ways, I can't bring myself to argue about it. Instead it just sits inside my mind and festers. I get upset that there's clearly a great divide between us, and I'll never be able to share with her parts of my life that fill me with such sadness. But it's probably for the best. She wouldn't understand anyway. I just need to remember that everything will be okay. I need to trust time and that if I want something enough, it will happen, one way or another. I'm with a wonderful man who reassures me and listens to me, he wants the same things as me just not right now. I know that if I wanted to be reckless, I could be. But I want to do this the right way. This is not only about me and what I want, it's about my partner too. It wouldn't be the way to go about things, like it wasn't right at the time. I need to forgive myself for that. I need to believe that I'm not too old for anything. I'm just working on trying to make my life better, try and make my situation better. Not only is it sensible, but it's required for my mental health. I want to be a mother who is happy and proud of my work situation and the solid relationship with my partner. It's okay to give it some time. I know this. I just need to try and put it all to the back of my mind. Give myself a social media break for a while. Throw myself into studying, ready for the application to open (if it does,) so I will be completely ready and as prepared as possible. I've got one of my favourite dresses on and for the first time in 4 or 5 months I did my makeup and I feel...a bit better for it. Instead of buying more things to fill the void, I'm trying to enjoy what I already have, and I have plenty of beautiful things that need to be used and loved. A mindset I'm constantly resetting after a stressful period of my life... I'm only human. Of course i'm going to compare my life to others. Of course i'm going to let society pressure me into feeling like I should be something that i'm not.