13.08.20

It's been a while since i've been here and to be honest, it's been a while since i've thought about it. I suppose that's a good thing? I'm trying to think of something new and interesting to type about and I feel a little sad that it takes some serious thinking but I suppose one has periods of time in life which are a little uneventful. My best friend is due to give birth any day now, something she posts about regularly. I am very excited for her but I have found myself spending less time on social media as a result. I feel guilty for not sharing her same gushing, joyful energy but I doubt I will until I feel as though i'm closer to such a thing myself. My feelings still fluctuate as to whether or not I feel that Andy is 'the one.' But I've stopped thinking about it so much as I did before, I think i've mostly recovered from the whole ordeal. But there's always reminders. Of course my colleague is expecting now too, it stings a little as her dates coincide with what mine were but, I know I mustn't think about it like that. She's been trying for a long time so I truly am pleased for her and her family. She's also working from home a lot, so i'm not faced with it constantly which I am grateful for. I wish I didn't let it affect me so personally, I know my time will come eventually. But now i'm officially 30, I still feel a pressure to get things on track soon. I didn't have any shocking revelations when the big three zero came knocking on my door, but i'm pleased to see the back of it now so I can press on. I am hopeful that my future decade will be really amazing. But that can only happen one day at a time. I'm trying to think more positively and am looking into ways to keep me occupied from the frustrating elements of my life I cannot yet change - mainly, my job. It feels wrong to be here, in this stale environment and although I am lucky and grateful, it really isn't 'me' at all. It's easy to be comfortable and i've been coasting off this feeling for too long now. I miss people, I miss mingling with people my age, talking about things relevant to me. I want to be doing something meaningful with my life. I need to. I know now isn't the time to be jumping into new careers but if I keep putting it off, i'll be putting off positive change to my mental health and that...should take absolute priority. To get into the line of work i'd like; te nursing field, specifically mental health nursing or social work, I need to study first. But as i've already got 1 degree i'm still paying off, I can't get another loan and I can't afford to pay for it myself without a job to fund it. So, I'm going to try to apply for a place on a program that funds a place for you. It's an excellent scheme and for the first time in many years I feel strongly motivated. I'm taking any free moments i've got to study, take notes, listen to podcasts, just immerse myself in all things social work and mental health. Who knows, perhaps i'll learn something about myself along the way too. The chances of me even getting close are incredibly slim, thousands of people apply and there is a very limited number of places available - particularly this year as Covid will have forced people from the previous year to defer. But, I've got to try. I am hopeful. It is something i've been thinking about for many years but this opportunity is too good to miss. Even if I don't get a place, at least i'm exercising my mind to learn again, write notes again like I used to do back at school and Uni, i've missed it. Learning is never wasted time. I hope that if I can get onto a new career path, that it will give me a new sense of direction in my life. Working with people is something I really feel an urge to do, as being cooped up in an office all day just isn't cutting it any more. We'll just see what happens. It's a long way off yet (autumn is when applications open,) but if I start preparing now I'll have a better shot i'm sure. It's not a quick flash in the pan feeling of interest and curiosity, it's something very dear to my heart. Mental health and the toll it's taken on me and those closest to me is just too much to ignore. I want to do my bit to help. I think I'm capable. It'll be tough at times for sure, but if it's in aid of helping people get well, it has to be done. On my birthday we went glamping in a beautiful part of Surrey, just an hours' drive away. It was perfect. We ate and drank lots, we talked, we walked, we relaxed in the sunshine and spiritually recharged ourselves with some hallucinogeons. It was wonderful. A truly profound experience which I will carry with me forever. I felt my soul leap from body up into the sky and felt pure euphoria like never before. I saw my grandma, she talked to me and I told her how much I missed her and how I couldn't wait to be with her once again. I know reading that back will seem cringy to me because of how it sounds but it was real, it happened. It just unlocks my mind - I've never felt more free. I feel so giddy, happy, like a child - I see the beauty in everything. Crying pure happy tears. I never feel any judgement, any fear, nothing but love and a sense of welcoming and friendliness. I think the experience makes me feel a lot less pressured to do what I feel is expected of me, and more of what I feel guided towards. I only hope I don't let myself down. But I can only try my best. So, for now I've just got to keep my head down, keep working hard and doing what I can. It's all I can do.