He wasn't sorry for making me upset and he never will be.
I feel sick and so very conflicted. On the one hand, I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and I am sure there is nothing going on between him and his ex. So in his mind, he isn't doing anything wrong. Getting her a birthday card, wine and meeting up with her for a quick walk and catch up is just an innocent friendly exhcnage as he's always done.
But on the other hand, he knows that I'm not thrilled by their friendship and have only asked for transparency. The last couple of times I've had to ask to find out, otherwise I probably wouldn't have known.
I still feel sad because I thought we were on the same page but clearly we're not. He wants a companion to travel with and help get him out of his debt. I want a soul mate to build a family with. I feel so utterly stupid. So, so stupid. I can't believe I've done it again. I hate myself and I want to die.
I don't want to start all over again, lose so much money on deposits and rent and furniture... Our kitten, why did we get him? It breaks my heart the idea of leaving him, or unsettling him by moving him to a new place. It makes me feel sick.
I was clear to Andy that I didn't want him to end his friendship with her, I've only be suportive but I'm sure he will and will hold it against me later down the line. Why do I want to know anyway,
It's just another red flag to add to the list and at the moment. He's no good at saying the right thing, or feeling the right thing... I wonder if he even cares at all. Came home early with a migraine headache from stress, I can't keep putting my body through all this. I don't know what's going to happen but I need to come up with some sort of plan. I can't let stress keep kicking me like this.
Perhaps our value systems aren't aligned like I thought they were..
I hope this isn't the end...
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