Horribly realistic dreams realising my worst fears haunted me as I got ready for the day ahead of me this morning. It was so hard to shake the feeling I felt in this nightmare, an impending sense of doom came over me as I looked at myself in the mirror. I just felt very sad. I am sure it's just tiredness, or the fact I didn't eat well the day before. But I don't know why I let these emotions in, and why I let them take over. Why can't I just acknowledge it as being the rubbish it is? Why do I want to believe the bad, the negative, and let it weigh on me so heavily?
I know I've wrote this before - my mind is searching for things to panic about. It's looking for ways to pick holes in my being and make me feel inferior. I'm too fat, too boring, too old. So, I find myself trying to starve myself during the day to then binge on shite in the night and spend too much money on things that I don't need. Gradually, I feel my old self coming back through but it's not constant, I just hope she doesn't stay in her shell too long. As I walked to work earlier on I fantasied about drowning and how marvellous it would feel to leave all this rubbish, all my fears and insecurities behind. But whenever I feel these thoughts take hold, a few subtle things happen that remind me how life is a gift and things could be a whole lot worse. I'm still here, I am here for a reason and I have a chance. My life isn't over yet. It will be one day, but not yet. If I did end it all, I wouldn't feel that feeling of 'marvelousness' - I'd feel nothing at all as I would be no more, and wouldn't that be sad? Don't I have so much more that I need to accomplish first? I like to think so...
I'm still healing, I need to give myself time. I know I should be saving where I am spending, but it's okay for now, this depressive phase won't last long. I need to work on relaxing more and not paying these awful thoughts too much mind. It's going to be very hard. But, I can't let it crush my spirit. I don't want to give in to it, I don't want to let it win. I'm very lucky, I have my health (for the most part,) I have a job - despite not liking it too much or feeling like it's helping my mental state, it's something. I live in the capital of the country with a lovely boyfriend who makes me very happy. So happy i'm worried I'll loose him, but that's the poorly side of my brain talking which is sadly the loudest. Hopefully we do have a future together, we've an adorable kitten who brings me so much joy and a wonderful, supportive family. I need to focus on those things more than silly things that don't (yet) exist. I still say 'yet' of course, because who knows, maybe my fears might occasionally be right on the money. But I hope not. I dearly, dearly hope not.
Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll have a therapy appointment which might help curb these bad thoughts I keep having. I know why I have them, the past few months have been piling up on top of me and I haven't been able to share it with anyone and I have been blaming myself for every thing that's happened (and still do.) The blame turns into shame, and shame then turns into a relentless 'you don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve your dreams to come true' mentality which knots my stomach, wears me down and eventually, sends me to A&E.
Stress is a terrible thing and i've been letting it get out of hand.
I need to keep telling myself what I know. Trust my gut, and 'trust the process'; what will be will be. So much of what I fear is outside of my control. I can only do my best. That's all i'm trying to do.
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