22.06.20

Typing for the sake of typing. Trying to encourage my mind to open up and unload a bit of what might be going on in there but it's proving stubborn today. I find myself going through cycles. One day I feel very low and suffocated, as though I have no way out, that I'm old and have already reached a dead end in my life. I resort to believing that I will never getting what I want and feel I've just got to stick with the hand I've been dealt for as long as I can stand. The next day, I feel optimistic. I feel happy with where I am, that I have time - that there is time for things to settle into place as they should and hey, if it's not looking likely in my current situation, then I have time to leave and start something new. - It happens all the time, at all sorts of ages, I don't know why I think it's all over when really, these are meant to be some of the best days of my life.
It's society, it drills it into you that you should have a house, a husband and two kids before you're 30 to really be 'making it' when of course that's absolute bullshit. It's not that i'm stalling and not for not wanting to settle down, it's just London life, it seems to put you back 3 or 4 years. I do have a plan in my mind but some days I'm inpatient and I panic, it feels as though i'll never get there. My twisted mind starts convincing me that I don't deserve it, that 'nice people never win' and that I'd be better off killing myself than living in hopelessness. It's an awful mindset to have and it's tremendously damaging.

Watching 'When Harry Met Sally' (for the first time) cheered me up enormously over the weekend. Me and Andy nursed hangovers, nodding in and out of sleep and I thought it time to give it a watch at last. I'm glad that I did. It made me feel less alone.

I know that I cannot do anything rash right now. In terms of...everything. Where I live, who i'm with, where I work. I can't change any of those things because it just isn't the right time. Now isn't the time to look for a new career, now isn't the time to look for someone new because I still love Andy and we're starting to lay down foundations to build a life together. He has seen me at my absolute lowest, darkest moments. Where all I did was sob and cry. He's seen me fade away and come back to life again. He's seen me get through something truly awful and he's reassured me that I will get everything I want. We've really not been together for very long, in the grand scheme of things. And if I keep being healthy, there's no reason why a couple of years won't make too much difference. I've got to try and not get too consumed by worry and fear. I've got to hope that I have all of my dreams ahead of me, it's all to come. I'll know if it's the right time with the person i'm with. Truly, I hope that I am with the right person. But there are times where my belief waivers a little, maybe by an action or something said...but I suppose we all have that at times. My main concern is his selfishness and apparent inability to empathise with me. But then again i'm very sensitive at the moment, i'm readjusting to things so I might be seeing/interpreting things in the wrong way. I likely am.
I'm just going to keep chugging away and doing my best.