My body feels tired. Being back at work hasn't been easy, despite the shorter hours. It's still early when I leave and I get home fairly late, so it's still a full, long day. I'm lucky to have a position to return to, but it's depressing, oppressive and I feel considerably heavier having been in this environment for only 4 days. The usual frustrations and it looks as though it'll only get worse as time goes on. I really should move on, but now isn't the time - goodness only knows when it will be.
I woke up this morning feeling tremendously sad, almost wanting to cry. The kitten was snuggled over by Andy and for some reason this made me feel rejected - utterly ridiculous of course. It's highlighting all sorts of terrible insecurities in me.
Getting Strudle gave me a new sense of purpose. Having his tiny, fluffy little body nestled by my neck as I slept made me feel wanted, needed and loved, especially after going through an emotionally distressing time losing something I'd grown very attached to.
I know it's natural for him to build a stronger bond with Andy as he is home all the time at the moment, whereas I am out at work. I don't know why i'm pinning so much on something that doesn't really matter. Plus, it's a good thing that they get along really well, clearly he has great taste. I suppose i'm afraid of feeling inferior once again. Like i've lost something else and will be reminded of it constantly.
But I know i'm feeling hyper emotional because i'm just so tired at the moment. And when I get home, there's so much that needs to be done i'm not able to fully relax, no time for anything I want to do. I should talk to Andy about this but it's hard for some reason. I just wish he'd take the initiative sometimes, or try and think just a tiny bit ahead. But he doesn't. I can hear him say 'I'm not a mind reader' which is true, but I genuinely feel that my feelings are so far down his list he doesn't even think about these sorts of things.
But that's my fault, i'm settling for it and i'm putting up with it because i'm scared of confrontation, or that he'll overreact and want to break up or something. There have been moments recently where I wonder what the hell the future really holds for us, whether I'll really be spending the rest of my life with this man. On sunny days I feel like I will, but on darker days I see myself 5 years in the future, weak, feeble, dull, childless and depressed having hung on and waited for him to announce when he felt he was finally at 'the right time' which never came.
It's not fair to think like this, especially during these strange times. We haven't been able to go out anywhere, can't do the fun things we planned and ordinarily would. It feels as though our wings have been clipped. I suppose all that stuff is just fluff after all, these hard times are what really brings out peoples true colours and reveals the strengths and weaknesses of a relationship. In some ways it's good that we've had this time, and apparently seem to be getting through it. For the most part I am happy, but I am also scared i'll find myself in the same situation I always find myself in, and I'll eventually lose out on what I really want, because i'm so fixated on giving the other person what they think they want.
At least Andy knows all this. And in the back of my mind I'm waiting for the flat-renewal date to roll around as to how I want to play things. He assures me that I will get what I want, and that I haven't lost anything, which I suppose is the most I've ever heard from anyone before so that's good. But he could just be saying words at the end of the day, just to buy more time and temporarily reassure me.
I'm on a waiting list for talking therapy; CBT. It'll likely be a month or so. I'm sceptical but grateful, I do think I need it. Suicidal thoughts have been creeping in more than they ever have before. I just don't know if it'll help make me feel any better because it isn't going to be for very long. I'll probably need years of processing, to help break my internal self-destructive tendencies and depressive, negative inner monologue that only sleeps when I do.
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