I never, ever want to put myself through that ever again. I won't.
It's too soon to reflect on how I feel about it all, it's still raw and I'm still very emotional. I've been eating poorly and spending lots of money I don't have on things I don't need, the warning sign I'm running off the rails. But it's okay. I'm allowing it for now, because I know things will get better as time goes on and considering I was suicidal a week ago, going into my overdraft while waiting for payday is okay by me. Anything has to be better than that.
The day afterwards, a new edition did join our little family making two three. A kitten, which we've called Strudle. He's so beautiful, so innocent, sweet, playful and adorable, my heart has never felt more full. He's still getting acquainted but we're all bonding well and I'm so thankful to have something so cheerful about the flat, he is proving immensely helpful for my healing.
A little while ago I looked at him whilst hugging Andy and just started to cry. Happy tears but also tears reacting to everything I'd put my body through over the past few days. I found myself feeling overwhelmed. He held me close and told me everything would be okay. I said I felt lucky to have a kitten, and thanked him for helping to make it happen. He's happy too and we've been telling each other lots that we love each other which has helped make me feel a bit better.
'And one day there will be a baby too,' he smiled. I know it's easy words for him to say but it still made me feel good. Who knows what's going to happen. A week ago he got too drunk and we argued and I wanted to run away, a pet isn't a plaster over a gaping wound. But, I was highly emotional - we both were. I am glad we're not still in that awful rut but im still cautious moving forward. I'm just going to try and put myself first for a while. Well, after Strudle of course.
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