This isn't no forever. This is no for now. In the not so distant future I want this all to be different and my only hope in this life is that I'll be able to have the opportunity to again.
This has no doubtedly been the hardest time of my life. I've gone through every possible situation but with every day that passes I feel no closer to decision. This is always going to be something I want, but I don't want it like this. And all this stress has brought out a different side to Andy I'm not sure I was ready to see. I feel even more alone than ever before but I feel I'm better to be alone while I figure out my life than to be with someone who might resent me, or the child for the rest of my days. Right now, I don't care if we make it or not. I only care if I make it through this alive. I hope I will but ive honestly been to the darkest place in my life, and that proves somerhing isn't right.
I deserve all the things I want. I don't think it's too much to ask. I want them with someone who wants them to, and wants to make them happen for me. I've felt so lost and so, so afraid to start again but that has to be better than ending it all. So much can happen in a year, and perhaps if I patiently wait, things will fall into place as they should. I hope, I hope.
I'm going to get through this as best as I can and pray that I'll be OK on the other side. I'll have a week to recover then I'll be back to work, as if nothing had happened. I'm scared for the future, I'm scared this will scar me deeply, I'm scared that I won't ever end up with a person who wants the same things as me. But Andy has made me feel like a piece of shit on his shoe - again, and I shouldn't have to put up with that. I fear that keeping something I want in the hope that he'll come around is a recipe for disaster. He's a complicated soul.
I only hope that things will get better from this point on. I hope that I will be strong.
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