03.06.20

It arrived this morning. I've the box in my lap. I spoke to a councilor earlier over the phone regarding my low, depressive moods and it brought everything that i've been pushing to the back of my mind for the past 3 or 4 days right to they very forefront. When I hung up the phone I couldn't stop crying. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, I was alone, seeking comfort in a kind ladies voice on the other end of the phone who I had not met. I laid my phone on the floor, cuddled a soft toy and let it absorb my tears. She sounded like she cared. I felt pathetic. I tried to keep it together but when I saw Andy the tears wouldn't stop. Of course it brought up the situation again and it left me feeling even more alone. I know he doesn't mean to sway my decision in any way, he said that I should do what I think is right for me and that we'd be okay whatever happens. But before all this he said that he wasn't looking to settle down any time soon, that he could only think about coworker's tired faced as they complained about working from paycheck to paycheck with no life...I was sat in front of a big man-child, expressing all his fears which were of course understandable but very disappointing. No effort was made to try and find any positive. He said his main worry was finding out he wasn't ready too late after the baby arrived. If I could have, I would have made myself burst into flames at that very moment. I did my best but knew nothing I could say would change his mind. I don't think he wants his mind changed. He's self absorbed in his own world and I just don't know where that leaves me. I feel very lost and confused.
I don't want him to lie to me, so I suppose i've got to be ready for the fears he's coming out with. But it's so hard to not be effected by them.
I wish I had more time. But what am I hoping to find in time? His mind isn't going to change in that time, it's not like he's going to share this with any of his friends/family. And it's not like mine is going to change either. How do I listen to my own wants over his? It just makes me feel as though i'm destined to be alone. He will never be ready, because I doubt he'll ever get to a place in his life where he feels he's 'made it' or if he does, he'll be 60 or something. My window of opportunity will pass. So what am I going to do, tag along while he goes and travels the world, gets off his face on party drugs and get into even more debt with gigs and concerts? Because i don't think i'm worthy of anything better? I look around our lovely flat and all the things we've bought together, the place we built together. I thought we were on the same page but I know how to choose them don't I, I always seem to end up with someone who's frightened of responsibility and commitment. I love him so much but my heart hurts. It hurts for the state of this planet. It hurts for the state of my mind. It hurts the unrest, the deaths, the murders, what world are we living in? Do I even want to bring something into a place I still don't understand and probably never will?
People have families when they don't have their own homes, people give birth in war torn cities and do their best, there are millions of single mums across the planet doing amazingly well living fulfilling lives...why do I feel like it's not going to happen for me?
I feel like i'm settling for something less than I deserve. I know that he loves me, and that he has his own reasons as to why this is very difficult for him to process. Somehow I managed to ask 'If I did keep it, what would that mean for us?' and went on to explain that as this was something we haven't planned, did he want to have involvement, would he leave etc. He said that he wouldn't leave, but he put his head in his hands and said that if he felt as though he didn't have control over his life it sends him to a dark place...or something, I can't remember now. But nothing he said was overwhelmingly positive, or helpful. He said he couldn't deny that he felt happier when he wasn't thinking about it. But then, it's the same for me too.

I feel like if a good friend of mine was in this position, I'd tell her to follow her heart. Go ahead and keep the baby if it's what she truly wanted and let the partner be as involved as he'd like. If he comes around, great, if not, well the door is always open.
I feel if I were to ask my mum for advise, she'd say that waiting for a man to come around would be a waste of time. That likely most men don't know what they want until they have it in their hands. I'm very tempted to talk to her about all of this, it would be nice to get her perspective but then am I just hoping she'll tell me what I want to hear? I feel like it's a risk. But perhaps she'd handle it better than I think she would.
I don't know why it's so much harder this time around. Even with the tablets in my hands, I know I could get through it. I'm scared I'll regret it. I'm scared for my health. I'm just...very scared.

I'm probably going to terminate it, and hope to god that I won't regret it. I'll have to have a serious think about what to do next with my life...I just, really don't want to start over again. I can't keep doing this every year.
I'll be doing it for him, not for me. It's wrong, but I don't think I would be able to live with myself knowing that someone I loved resented a decision I made. But then, I don't know if i'll be able to live with myself resenting a decision I made myself because I was weak...either way, I want out of this mess. At the moment I can only really see one way...