I truly felt like I was making the right decision. Until I was woken up by a persistent phone call from a withheld number while I was hiding in bed. I answered it to a cold lady's voice on the other end of the line asking me personal, invasive questions prior to my consultation which was to follow later on. I felt numb. A wave of feeling surged over me as I realised that I'd be putting myself through this all over again. With the thoughts I've been having just recently, I really am not sure I could handle it.
A doctor called me afterwards and ran through more invasive questions to see if I was eligible for the stuff to be posted to me. Thankfully I was, and she had a touch more kindness in her voice. Unfortunately, this broke me and I burst into tears. It coincided with the question 'you are sure in your decision? You don't feel any pressure to make this decision?' I found it difficult to answer. She asked if I wanted to go on, I said yes, she then offered that a counselor call me tomorrow so I had someone to talk to. I was very grateful for this suggestion. She said that if I still wanted to go ahead afterwards I could, but I had more time to think about it if I liked.
When I hung up the phone I just collapsed. Andy came in and hugged me tightly. I felt awful for having him see me like this, I could only apologise. He said I didn't have anything to apologise for. I said I needed more time. He said of course. He was kind. He also said that if I wanted this I should do it, and if I wanted to add another 'sloth' (term of endearment I use for him,) then I should. It was so sweet of him but it also just made me want to just dissolve and die, right there. I've been thinking about the comfort of death a lot recently and each day that passes it pulls me further into its allure. I'm so tired of feeling this way, all the tears, putting Andy through it, i'm sure at this rate he'd be far better off without me.
I'm sure hormones are partly to blame. I messaged Robs with my fears and she kindly replied quickly and shared how the first two months were the hardest of her life. Things turned around for her because her partner told his family who were thrilled. I cannot see this happening at all in our case. Andy has his own reasons to feel negatively about this, and why not, he's not experiencing what i'm feeling, all he can see is all the possibilities and potential directions his life could go in fall away before his eyes. And it's that which haunts me so. I want him to be honest with me of course, I want him to share everything he feels but I need to toughen up when it's hard stuff to hear. And right now, I'm a mess. I'm terrified all these tears have driven him to fear for ever sharing again.
I try and think about what mum would say to me if I told her. I am so sure she would say something along the lines of 'oh, all men feel like that when they learn a baby is coming along. But they grow into it, because they have to.' I'm sure I remember her saying that dad wasn't overly keen on having children originally but mum argued her case and me and my brother happened. Never did he ever give me or my brother the impression that he didn't want us, far for from it, he's the best dad in the entire world. I'm sure Andy would step up and give it his best shot, he has said this to many times. I want him to want it but I know that's a tall order, he's already admitted that he might never feel entirely ready. There's always something else that gets in the way.
I know this is for me to decide what to do. What do I want? See, I want a baby, but I want it with a person who wants it and wants a family with me. I want it to be wanted, I don't want the memories of my first month's pregnancy filled with thoughts of suicide and constant tears.
I wish I could talk to mum about it but I know she'll sway my decision. I know she's said in the past that there's always a home for me at hers and that she would help, but she might encourage me to do this anyway. I also fear she'd hold it against me in future if I were to terminate it, I mean, what if I have difficulties conceiving in 5, 6 years time? I might, people do. And I'd hate that, my body getting it's revenge for all the hell I keeping seeming to put it through.
I know I need to think about the 'now.' Do I feel prepared? No, ideally I'd love to have a better career, more money saved, a house of my own. Thing is, I won't have any of that until i'm at least 40. I love what me and Andy have but, I have had moments of doubt through all this. The way I felt after our argument, the shit he came out with made me think i'd made an awful, terrible mistake. He was drunk I guess but still, doesn't make it any better. He was panicked, I know. But I can't forget. I'll always worry that if I decide to keep it he'll hold it against me and the child. I suppose that's a risk every mother takes...I can't control that, unfortunately.
He went and met up with his ex girlfriend for the evening on Monday. He asked me how I felt about it and that I should please say something if I minded but in all honesty, I've been so emotionally exhausted I didn't have anything to give, I was actually fine about it. It was important that he went, that it was done, that at least we could move on from that shitty part of the argument. I wanted him to see that despite everything going on, I will accept their situation and however uncomfortable it makes me. If for any reason he finds attraction in her and her erratic, drama-filled life then he's welcome. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I am better than all that. And I hoped that by being cool about it he'd feel appreciative, which he was. I nursed a headache from too much sunshine and wrote him an honest letter saying that truthfully, I didn't want to end the life inside of me.
He's been talking about getting a kitten recently. I have always been very keen on this idea but initially he was hesitant, eventhough he's a cat lover. But lately we've been looking around, talking about where we'd put things, what we'd call it etc. It is exciting but I do wonder - is he saying this to cheer me up? Is he saying this because it's a genuine desire of his, or is he hoping that if we get one, it'll fill the void of a baby? I'm scared it's the latter. Although, to be fair, it would be a pleasant distraction from the pain i'm in at the moment. I feel like both would be too much. I feel like terminating because of doubts with me and him would negate the cat thing, because they're a hug commitment. Is he hoping the cat would be a warm up for a child later down the line? I've no idea. I don't want to offend him by asking but I mustn't let it distract me from what I need to think about. The thing is, it has cheered me up and distracted me which i've welcomed with open arms. I keep going round in circles deliberating what to do. I want anything to take me away...
Robs said that she started to feel much better about things once she'd reached 'the point of no return' and I'm sure i'd feel the same if I ever make it to that stage. Who knows, maybe all this stress has been too much for the little jellybean inside and it'll leave me. But if it hangs on and wants to stay, as I keep hearing as I fall to sleep, I guess it's accepting 'well, this is it, the decision has been made.'
Sigh. It's so complicated. I keep thinking about the past, people would find themselves in this position, poor, broken, without a job and went ahead with it regardless, because that was the done thing. Don't get me wrong, I feel everso lucky that I have a choice here. But occasionally I wish I had a strong faith to lead me down a certain path.
That being said, at very low moments I have been praying to God or anyone up there listening. I think of my grandparents who i've been thinking about a lot recently, and what they would say or do. I'm sure they'd be happy for me and excited. I wouldn't want to let them down, though I'm sure they would (or do?) sypathaise with my situation.
Above all, the one thing I do not doubt and never have doubted, is the love I would have for this child. I know Andy would, i'm sure he'd be very hurt hearing that I fear he'd resent it. But even if I did it alone, I would do it as best as I could. I would build a home for us, I would give it the best life I possibly could. Perhaps i'd find another lost soul who'd lost his way and we'd build it together, who even knows. I'm assuming the worst case scenario...
Isn't love enough?
No comments:
Post a Comment