24.05.20

I hurt. My body aches from crying, my emotions are numb. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life and this morning when I woke up I felt disappointed to still be here on the planet. It hit me like a second wave.
Me and Andy has a big argument last night and I feel as though my world is ending. It’s dramatic but truly, I feel so incredibly sad by it all. He does to. We’re both doing our best to put a brave face on it today but it’s hard when we’ve nowhere else to go.
This morning I was genuinely thinking about places in the flat I could hang myself. I was thinking about downing a bottle of bleach. It’s so, so dark I know but truly, that’s where my mind went. I’d rather be dead than face this awful situation I’m in.

Andy had too many beers last night and seemed quick to talk about his feelings which I encouraged. He said he’d been feeling up and down about things, but went on further to say how scared he was, how he was worried about us financially, about the life he could have had, the wanting to see the world etc...it was incredibly hard to hear. It’s the reaction I suppose I was expecting initially yet it never came, so it was just delayed. The fact he’s worried shows that he cares I guess. But it was overwhelmingly negative and I was at a loss of anything positive to say in return. I ended up properly crying in front of him, saying I didn’t want to ruin his life and that I felt terribly guilty for hearing about how he was feeling and how it was all my fault. He said I had nothing to apologise for but I truly feel I do. I just felt so, so sad. Before when we have spoken about it I’ve come away feeling okay, like we can maybe make a go of it but today, I feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be alive.

This went on for a couple of hours until it got dark outside. We were getting ready to watch a movie when he said he was going to visit his ex girlfriend tomorrow, for a few drinks in the evening. It wasn’t until my face dropped and I went cold did he ask ‘what do you...think,’ it wasn’t even a question. He didn’t give a fuck, he’d already made up his mind.
I said okay, that he just needed to do what he needed to do. She was a friend going through a rough time, I got it. But the timing...it was like being spat on whilst trying to pick myself up from the last ‘round’ of shit flying. I felt very emotional already and the last thing I wanted to think about was his fucking ex girlfriend.
I went on to say that it would take me a while to get to a place where I felt properly okay with it but I wanted to get there and would. He said he didn’t get why I felt that way, there’s nothing romantic/sexual between them, they’ve been broken up for nearly two years now, yada yada. I do believe him, it’s just the way he was so incredibly defensive about it made me feel insulted. A lot of what he said the whole evening was selfish, cold and insulting to me. I was so annoyed but so upset, I couldn’t get my words out. He said that if he felt unable to see who he wanted to see he’d leave. His ex girlfriend made him cut out girls who were friends without explanation and he’d never do it again. It was incredibly intense and I didn’t understand why he was coming out with it because I wasn’t asking him to do any such thing. I never would. I said that of course. He explained that it was ingrained in him from how she was and I cried...I’m not her. This is me. I’m rational, level headed and what I’m saying and doing isn’t out of order here. I’m a human being reacting to something new. I do find their relationship daunting, of course I do, anyone would. I don’t like their closeness but that’s because I don’t understand it, because I and all my friends don’t have this sort of friendship with an ex. I also said this.
It was all horrible. It was important I guess but I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I still do. This morning I panicked, thinking I had to get away, had to get out. I had a quick shower and thought about driving away. But I didn’t. I cried in front on him again and apologised saying I didn’t want all this, I don’t want drama, I love him and love what we have. He said he loved me to, and loved what we had. I guess we’re just reeling from everything said.
I said I wanted to terminate it as I wouldn’t ever forget what he said to me and I don’t want him to resent me for the rest of his life. He said no, because it’s not what I want to do. I just cried and cried. If I terminate it, I’ll have to leave. No way can I carry on, I’m too hurt. I know he would step up to the plate if I asked him but I would always worry he’d hate me for it. I don’t think he’s going to do anything grand in the next few years, not that I don’t believe in him, but his reckless past behaviours have hindered his chances at saving, he’s in a lot of debt so he won’t be able to travel for ages. I mean, I can’t wait for him to be ready because I doubt he ever will be. Maybe I need someone new who’ll want to look after me.

I’m emotional and hurt, I can’t be doing anything rash now. I just don’t know what to do. And I’ve nobody to talk to.