21.05.20

I know that I’ve just got to get used to this feeling. Being alone. And, knowing that his ex is always going to be a part of his life.
Before all this Covid-19 hit us, she apparently had a job offer she was thinking about taking and I was secretly praying that she would take it. I know that as soon as this lockdown eases she will be one of the first people he goes to see and it just makes me feel so incredibly sick.
They are allowed to be friends. It’s just, I hate how secretive he is about it. He’s not open about much to be honest, and probably the way I’ve reacted in the past, though never out of line, has put him off the idea of sharing. I just hate the idea of her sniffing about, and him blindly sharing all my insecurities, how uncool I am, how our relationship will never be like theirs was. It’s just, the history between them I cannot complete with. And it would be silly of me to try to. We all have a past. Just, why does his want to cling on? Why does he let her? Why can’t he see how uncomfortable it makes me feel? Will I ever be okay with it? Probably not. But it would be unreasonable to share any of my fears because it all comes from a place of loneliness in me, not rational thinking. I’m sure it he wasn’t happy and wanted to leave me then he would already. I just hope he doesn’t overstep the boundaries. Though they are unspoken ones.
Fuck. When can I go back to work? When can I get away from my fucking mind? When can I tire myself out so much that all I want to do is sleep. All this time gives me too much time to think and I hate it. Because it isn’t just thinking, it soon becomes panic and I can’t seem to rein it in.
I need to just be fine with it. There’s no way I can say anything, every time I do it makes me cry and look pathetic. Only reinstating his secretiveness. I mean, I don’t know that he’s messaging her but...I do. Because she’s straight on replying and sends him loads. It stems from a message reply she wrote him, after he boasted to her about how he ‘dusted his face on Friday night and felt shit the rest of the weekend’ to which she replied ‘Phoebe not around then?’
It just...I hated that she used my name. I hated how he spoke to her, gloating about the drugs they likely took together and had a great time with. I hate that he changes the way he speaks to her. It was on a Whatsapp message which he left open on his computer screen, I suppose he didn’t try to hide it, but when I came back to the room and he was there he closed the tab.

I just, really don’t want him to miss what he had with her, especially with our current very grown up situation. I know I’m nothing like her, I know I’m pretty responsible in comparison, I don’t eat a fuckload of mushrooms and throw up all over my bedroom wall. I know I don’t have loads of friends.
I just wish I could disappear. I wish I could disappear off the face of the earth. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this shit. I wouldn’t have to decide anything, wouldn’t have to worry about other people’s lives, wouldn’t have to put myself last any more. For the first time I’d be being selfish. I know deep down I couldn’t do it to my family. But sometimes I doubt anyone else would even care. Probably wouldn’t even notice I’d gone.
When I wake up in the morning I feel a stab in my mind of dread, realising that I made it through another night. Another day to endure. When will this feeling go away? Am I destined to always feel this way? Probably. I can’t imagine it would get any better with time.

I hate that my body is changing, I can’t get out and about as much as I’d like so I’m putting on weight, I hate how it feels, hate how it looks. I feel so desperately unattractive which feeds into my insecurities which seem to be growing by the day. I’m sure I’m not alone in how I feel.

I’m sure it’s just a really bad mental health day and tomorrow will be better.
Just need to let this cry out.