19.05.20

Why does something that happens all over the world, every single minuet feel as though it's an enormous, 'end of the world' scenario? One moment I start to feel excited, the next, I feel as though I want to end it all. I see flashes of what our life could be from one extreme to the next. My heart sinks at all the things we'll be saying goodbye to. I have fears over my body changing, Andy loosing interest, not being able to partake in the fun things we enjoy doing together, like late nights drinking and getting high, I see my favourite past times such as gigs and festivals escaping out the window. But when I really think about it, sure, I will miss those things a lot but they won't be gone forever. These experiences can wait. I know i'll need to make a lot of sacrifices.
It's so hard putting my own feelings fist. I feel so incredibly guilty for finding myself here, putting us in this position (again,) and having to put Andy through all of this. I know he's worried about it. But, he's also being very supportive also. There have been many moments where i've cried, apologizing profusely, saying I only want what's best for him and that I can't help but feel that keeping it will ruin his life. He holds me tightly and assures me that i'm being silly and there's nothing to apologise for. I think he's going to just carry on as normal until it actually happens.

I really don't want to be selfish here. I'm overwhelmingly conscious that it isn't just my life that will be changed by all of this, but Andy's too. It's different for me because i'm feeling it every single day and have been thinking about it ever since my teenage years. Of course, I didn't plan for it to be like this. But I really don't think I'd be able to live with myself going through another termination. It just...feels incredibly wrong. I am haunted by the nightmare where I heard someone calling in my mind 'I want to stay!' over and over again...