It’s been a good two, maybe three months since I last wrote here. It only feels like yesterday I was sat at my work desk, watching the clock slowly tick by as I tried to empty my mind of all the frets and worries that would often take over. Goodness, such a lot has happened since then.
I’ve been very much enjoying quarantine life more than I care to admit. It’s been wonderful spending more time with Andy, we’ve managed to get loads done around the house that would have taken us months to do, and for the first time in years, my body feels as though it’s genuinely recharging. I don’t like that I’ve been gaining a bit of weight, but my hair is growing, my completion is clearer and my anxiety is at an all time low. I’ve started to wonder if my not checking in with myself on here is down to the fact my life has significantly slowed down. And now we’re nearly approaching 6 weeks, I’m apprehensive about everything returning to normal again, whenever that will be. No doubt it’ll be soon, as soon as there’s a shred of optimism from the government I’m sure my company will waste no time in opening up its doors making sure everyone is back trying to make money. I do miss that routine but I know that as soon as I’m back in it again I’ll miss these sunny days where my main decision of the day is what to draw next or what to have on toast.
I do feel a bit dazed. I’m pregnant. I missed a couple of days of the pill and everything fell out of sync, completely my fault and I think I knew it the day after because my body felt ‘off.’ But seeing that second line made me feel so scared, I knew I couldn’t hide and had to tell Andy that I’d basically fucked up. I cried and he hugged me, told me I’d nothing to be sorry for. He said he wasn’t sure what to say, it was a shock and that it was my decision to make. I told him that of course he needed to weigh in, I didn’t feel it was fair to let it down to me completely. We agreed we’d let it sink in and re-visit it all in a few days. To be honest, the more that the days go by I want to keep it more. I’ve always wanted to keep it deep down, and I absolutely won’t be going through an abortion again. So, I suppose that settles it.
I’m terrified that Andy will leave me, or what his family will think that I’ve ruined his life, or that all this will push him closer to his ex...but these are irrational fears, ones I can’t do much about. I mean, we’re 30, it’s not like we’re young teens who hooked up at a party. He said he’d support whatever happens.
It’s still very fresh for me, one moment I’m happy and excited, the next i worry about how this will work.
It’s still very early days of course so I don’t want to be banking on anything, but it’s hard not to get attached. I know I want to be a mother and I know that Andy will be a wonderful father. What are we really going to do in the next 5 or so years that we can’t still do as a family? I’m sure that’s a daft thing to say, I fully understand that my life will change in a big way - both of our lives will. Many parents will groan and roll their eyes, but, I don’t want to see it as a hinderance. I don’t have any grand plans or ambitions....
It’s early days. The only person I’ve told is Robs, I wrote her a letter a couple of days ago as I missed her and wanted to get back in touch again. Not that there was any bad air between us, but she’s been preoccupied with her own pregnancy and the lockdown has meant I can’t travel home so it’s been a long time since we last properly caught up. I know when we do it’ll be as though no time has passed. I was nervous to start with but I’m glad I made the effort because she appreciated it and is apparently sending me a nice reply in kind. She’s excited and that in turn makes me feel excited. But I can’t help but worry about how Andy is feeling - that is my main obstacle here. If he was all ‘yeaaah this is great’ I’d be over the moon. But of course this wasn’t planned. He said that there’s never a right time, that ‘life happens while you’re making other plans’ and that he’d probably never reach that point where he felt ‘yep, I’m there let’s do it.’ I know what he means. It’s different for men I think, because they can settle down at any time.
For me...this is something I really want. Is this the time I put that desire first? It feels very selfish.
Thing is, when I see him and when I’m with him, (as cheesy as it sounds,) I feel like our love can take us anywhere. I just love him so much and feel we’d really do great if we gave it a shot. And a few months ago when we were high he started asking me what I’d name my children and he said that he’s be so loving and supportive to them, it made my eyes well up as I know that he’d be amazing. I understand his hesitation, what with his upbringing. I know it wouldn’t always be easy.
This is all...emptying head time right now. I know we need to talk again soon about this, and how I feel because I’m pretty sure he won’t initiate it.
Truly, deep down I feel blessed. And when the doctor said congratulations on the end of the phone it made me smile.
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