'Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?' He asked sweetly as we walked in the cold evening. It had been a weekend of indulgence, sleep and time together which was lovely but when Sunday evening rolled around, we were a little cranky. The fresh air did us good and I found anxiety stirring within my stomach as he asked. I tried to avoid it, but eventually I knew I had to share a little bit of what had been on my mind. I shared that I had been feeling a bit insecure recently and that I was fearful that my reacting to his meeting with his ex last time might make him more secretive. He said he'd hoped that he hadn't contributed to my feeling that way, I of course told him that it was all my own doing. He said that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, that they were good friends and that was all. I felt so stupid for him having to explain it to me again, but at the same time I knew that it was okay for me to voice this, as it's the first time i'd been in a relationship with my partner's ex was still a apart of their life. He went on to say how he couldn't really understand people who were able to cut out the ex's just like that, after all they've been through together. I do know what he means and I said that he was lucky that they had their friendship. He said that the next time they meet he mentioned perhaps my being there too, which was very thoughtful and considerate of him. Apparently she was up for this, but i'll believe it when I see it. I'm sure it would be good for me to do this, as currently my imagination of who this person is and what they both had is likely blown out of proportion. But i'm not in a hurry. I kinda want to get myself feeling a bit better first.
It did make me feel better talking to him, but it also made me feel weak, embarrassed and scared. He was encouraging and said that it was always good to talk about these things, and I could do so at any point I liked. He's so lovely and for some reason this scares me so much. I'm so ready for him to hurt me, but this doesn't come across in his actions at all. He does everything he can to show me he loves me. I didn't realise that I was so insecure. I suppose this is one of the first times I've found myself with someone so beautiful.
I'm sure my emotions are still settling down after adapting to the lack of caffeine in my daily life. My moods feel so much more intense than they did before. Clearly thoughts and fears i'd spent a long time masking are coming up to the surface in ways that were more extreme that I knew them to be before. I've definitely been having thoughts of suicide. I'm finding them to be more comforting than addressing the issues i'm going through, I just don't know where to start. I just feel so terribly far away from where I want to be and I worry i'm wasting my time. I spent Valentines days reading up on celebrity suicides whilst gorging on cookies, which I knew were bad for my health. It was ridiculous as me and Andy had a lovely evening when we met up in the city, with dinner, bowling, lots of chat and merriment. I came home to a bouquet of roses, chocolates and a card we exchanged gifts in our front room happily. He thanked me profusely for our Prague holiday which he was so surprised by, and we spent time chatting and just generally being close to each other. I think he seems happy with me. Why don't I believe it? Why would I want to end it all now?
It was spooky to wake up on the Sunday morning to a celebrity suicide.
I don't think I really want to end it all, it's just my mind jumping to the main extreme because it doesn't have anyone telling it not to, and that it's not right
A lot can happen in a year, why do I think just because (I feel) i'm so far away now, that I always will be? Why does what I want, always have to be on someone elses watch? Maybe things are closer than I believe them to be.
It could just be all this dark, damp and cold weather. I usually feel trapped and sad when the winter feels so relentless.
I've got to try and find the light.
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