14.02.20

Just trying to work my way through this anxiety, low mood patch i'm going through right now. It came on about an hour ago and it's starting to subside, I still want to burst into tears. I've put my phone on airplane mode so I can be blissfully unaware of the lack of phone notifications. That's what's sparked it. If I'm disconnected, I could be receiving love right now, or, it could be the same lackluster nothingness from this morning and to be honest, not knowing is far better than the likely reality.
Very low mood. The kind that contemplates why the fuck i'm even bothering with any of this? Why I put effort into...anything at all? It isn't the first time and it surely won't be the last either.
The day started off so well, I left my love in bed, he said I love you as I walked out the door and we've an evening of dinner and bowling ahead, what could I possibly be upset about?
I suppose that's depression for you. One doesn't always need a reason.
It's petty shit, it's not receiving a 'thank you' to a gift I left on the kitchen counter top this morning. He probably hasn't opened it yet but still, he fucking loves making me wait. Just hanging on his every word. I cannot stand it. But maybe he has opened it and suddenly feels like he's made a mistake? That he loves someone else. Or that I went to more effort than him. Fuck knows.
I don't know when I started to need such reassurance all the time, I need to snap out of it. Because every time I feel like this, give it an hour or two and a reason will come to light, or a message will finally appear putting my mind at ease. I know what he's like - so why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Why do I always assume the worst possible outcome?
How did I end up here? Is it my mind just adjusting to the dopamine levels since withdrawing from coffee? I wish I knew. I hope it's that. I hope I don't work myself into such a panic that I spoil the rest of the day. I need to focus on something else.
It's so very, very difficult in an environment where it's deathly silent. All that can be heard is my fingers pressing the keys.

I fantasize about collapsing and waking up in a hotel bed surrounded by worried faces. Just a time out from life, hooked up to machines...awful I know. I don't want to be unwell of course, I want to be as healthy as possible. But my mind...oh my mind, it takes me to some very dark places.