12.02.20

Our Prague getaway was wonderful overall. Unfortunately storms in the U.K prolonged our return home by a day which was a bit of a stressful situation but we got through it and without any arguments or awkward spells. When I got home last night Andy said he’d spent the day feeling content, relaxed and happy, he’d really enjoyed the mini holiday and found it had helped the usual wiring in his mind. I was relieved and delighted to hear this, he deserves to feel that way all the time! But it was nice to hear it from him unprompted, which makes me believe it more than if I assumed. ‘I missed you’ he said as we hugged. For a moment I felt safe. But it’s not long before the niggling worries start to creep into my mind again.
I know it’s just tiredness. I got very stressed on Sunday night when it became apparent that our flight was cancelled. I was conscious of trying to keep my cool but it was incredibly testing. But I saw his ex’s name pop up on his phone a couple of times during the weekend and it just makes my heart sink so much.
Why? What am I worried about? That she still wants him? Even if that’s the case, he’s with you. You’re in a relationship together and they had been broken up for a good couple of years before we met, they had time to rekindle things and they didn’t. He explained his relationship with her thoroughly (eventually) when he went for a drink with her. He said he’d never dream of doing anything to jeopardise what we have. He loves me. I’ve got to trust him.
Plus it’s completely contradictory. I have men messaging me, and occasionally they push it in terms of boundaries (Dan still pipes up every now and then wanting to talk like we used to,) and although I don’t encourage it, it’s the sort of thing that could be upsetting if read the wrong way. So, what am I even talking about? It’s just my mind searching for something that isn’t there. And if the worst came to the worst and it was there, Andy would tell me. It’s not for me to worry about at this point because I’m doing everything I possibly can to be the best that I can be. I don’t want to be the girlfriend who comes across jealous and tells her partner who he can and can’t talk to. That would only encourage him to become more secretive anyway I’m sure. No, it’s just not healthy. It mustn’t be entertained, I just need to shut it down entirely in my mind.

It was lovely spending so much time together, and quality time it was too. I want to go away again. I just wish holidays don’t tire me out as much as they do...