03.02.20

All in all it was a lovely weekend. I think Andy had a good time and it was really nice to meet his family. His sister had gone to a lot of effort to book a beautiful house in the cottage, brought lots of food and an amazing cake. It was a great place for everyone to meet in a neutral environment. It was really eye opening though, from many perspectives. Andy and his sister are very polite about it all but I do feel for them both enormously. Perhaps they're completely fine, I mean if it's something you've grown up with, it's what you've always known and despite my family having some serious issues, I feel most grateful for them in comparison. I was a little apprehensive about meeting Andy's father but he was a nice man. We didn't get a lot of time to talk, because all the attention was on his daughter; the two year old he's had with his young Polish wife who also had another on the way. He had started up a new family unit and I found myself feeling a bit conflicted. I mean - it's absolutely none of my business, they are all very generous people who welcomed me there, who am I to judge anything they choose to do. On the one hand I felt very happy for them all, his wife had clearly been waiting for a man to settle down with and she seemed happy. She reminded me a little of my mum when she talked about things she was passionate about and her short temper. She was quirky sort and it was fun seeing her interactions with Andy's father, who is the complete opposite. But on the other hand, I wondered how his older son and daughter must have felt about seeing this. Clearly they want him to be happy, but it was be a little odd seeing how their dad established his new roots confidently when their past is so scattered and unsettled in comparison.
There is no denying that Andy and his sister are so very close and she cares a lot about how he's doing and what he's doing with his life. I want her approval the most because he admires her so very much and I dearly don't want her to think i'm slowing him down or holding things up for him in any way.
I was looking forward to meeting Andy's half sister, she was very cute but she completely ran the show. She also spoke mostly in Polish. It was a little chaotic and I found it a bit intense because there wasn't a lot of flow, it was waiting for 8pm to roll around so we could go to the restaurant to eat. And for the first time in my life, for a fleeting moment, watching this child kick and scream in a cosy pub environment with angry onlookers, made me doubt my decision to have children. It was a window into the life with a child and it made me feel uncomfortable. But, I also knew this girl was tired - they were letting her eat sugar and staying up til midnight with nothing to entertain her while we waiting for food to arrive - of course she was going to kick off. My broodiness returned and I thought I'd just go about things a different way.
In the back of my mind though I do worry about what Andy thinks about it all. Does he want to do the same as his dad? Marry someone young when he's 60 and got all the exploring out of the way as he finally feels ready to settle down? I sincerely hope not. But I wouldn't be surprised. He didn't have the best start in life and I know he worries about doing the same. I just hope he sees something different in me...
God knows. At least I have a plan. Wait and see how we're fixed in 8 months or whenever our rent is due for renewal and see if we're any closer to where i'd like to be, ideally. See if we've had any conversations or discussions or if we're running away from the inevitable. I know there's plenty of time, I just need to chill and try not to worry.

When we returned home we hugged and I felt the tension leave his body. I whispered in his ear that I loved him so much. He squeezed me and said it back. 'I love you, I love you so much' and I felt myself tingle.
He was blown away by our little trip away to Prague and i'm looking forward to what's in store. Hopefully it'll be the first trip of many that we take together.