08.01.20

I can hardly believe that it's been over a month since I last wrote an entry. Trawling back through memories over the festive season which feels long gone, I realise that i'm rather glad to see the back of them.

It is the start of a new decade and I am hopeful that 2020 will be filled with more joy. I know it won't all be smooth sailing, but I want to work hard on viewing things as they happen in a more positive light. I'm sure I'll pepper in my ambitious resolutions here and there but I haven't gone too overboard this time, I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it.



On the day before New Years Eve a colleague and I shared the quiet office. 'How do you want to spend today?' she called over as I tried to inconspicuously draw with my head down. 'Drawing? Or reflecting on 2019?' It was something I hadn't been asked before and although every part of me wanted to just get on with my drawing (a bat for Andy's sister, which she received yesterday most gratefully,) I decided to go along with it. Here's what I came up with;



2019 reflections



10 things I achieved this year

1. Independence (granted, for 6 months or so,) by living in my own flat

2. Completed a few commissions/ sold work I was proud of

3. My biro drawing technique has improved / more experimental with colour

4. A pen friend!

5. A new sense of direction with my life – desire to see more of the world (with Andy,) build a home then a family (not family first with whoever wants to with me.)

6. Ate dramatically more fruit than in previous years

7. A relationship I am really excited about (and not settling for)

8. Although I’d still admit I’m rather passive, I still initiated ‘difficult’ conversations with those I worry will judge me (e.g – asking Andy if we’re official, etc)

9. I attended several therapy sessions

10. An even stronger relationship with my brother – we lived together, it didn’t work out like we thought, but we’re stronger as a result.



Who were there people that made you feel most loved, respected and supported?

My dad and brother. Unconditional love.
My health
Meeting Andy and having the opportunity to embark on a relationship together
My dad
My brother
The continual support from my friends and family
Good humour, in any situation
Living in London – I forget how much of a privilege it is
My job – even if it’s frustrating at times
Music – This year I really discovered a new genre that truly resonates with me
My independence
My inner strength
Freedom – I’m fortunate enough to have a choice, in most things in my life
All the memories I’ve acquired, all the people I’ve met this year and the people who we lost this year
Myself - in a non big-headed way!
Moving to a new flat with someone I feel truly comfortable with
Inspiration – How it always, eventually comes back
The time I spent with the people I love
Making other people laugh
Learning about myself
Learning in general
I give myself a very hard time, that I spend too much time listening to the inner bully who’s constantly berating me. This has prevented me from doing lots of things I wanted to do and say things I wanted to say. But, acknowledging this helps me recognise it and work on curbing these urges/habits and I’ve slowly been making progress.
I make assumptions/judgements about things without researching them or experiencing them first. Times where I’ve tried something I thought I wouldn’t like, I did.
The move with my brother and his friend ended up being a terrible and costly decision. It caused me a lot of stress. But I learned how to communicate better with my brother and it all ended amicably, without confrontation.
I left a suffocating relationship. It taught me about myself, what I want in a relationship and how to communicate my feelings more effectively.
The loss of my two grandmas. It made me realise the strength of both my mum and dad respectively. It taught me to change my outlook; to be more philosophical, to be grateful that I had them in my life.
x


20 things that I am grateful for


What did you learn about yourself this year?




What challenges did you overcome and what did they teach you?


What personal growth are you most proud of?

I overcame some tough times.


Where were you, what were you doing and who were you with when you felt most at peace?

With Andy, in a club, dancing to one of my favorite musicians. It was a wonderful night. Time stood still.



It was a pleasant exercise. I went in thinking I hadn't overcome anything or achieved anything, where actually I did a fair bit (for me anyway.)

2019 ended abruptly and was tinged with negativity. Christmas day was fun but spending time with my family is so emotionally draining. It's all a mad rush to let down people who you love the most. It doesn't matter how hard you try to please, someone always gets lets down. Mum was intense as always, negative and hard to lift her spirits (but not about granny, surprisingly, who much to my disappointment wasn't mentioned at all during the festivities. I wanted to at least drink to her but didn't want to bring the mood down.) Dad was sad we didn't spend longer at home. My brother had a bit of a breakdown. By the time I got back I just sunk into Andy's arms and felt so glad to be back with him. I was just overwhelmed, guilty and low. But then we spent some quality time together which was wonderful. He got me some beautiful gifts, he loved his in return and our flat is finally starting to feel more homely now.

New Years Eve we splashed out on a luxury hotel, got tipsy and watched the fireworks from the balcony. It was just how I wanted to see in the new decade with him. I hope we'll see in another one together.

'I loves ya, I do' he said as we snuggled beneath the sheets and I nearly cried. Every day I feel we grow closer and closer together and I couldn't be happier. He's admitted at how he's a guarded person, how he much prefers to shows how he feels in actions over words so when he says something tender it feels like it's amplified a 1000%. I feel tremendously lucky to have him in my life and I can't wait to find out what's in store for us this year.



Since Robyn told me her news, I've been struggling to put it to the back of my mind. Much to my frustration. I want to only feel happiness for her but it's been challenging. I know that I mustn't compare our lives. We're both in very different places. I realise that i've been mourning our friendship. That's what i'm most upset about. I know that she's going to want me to be supportive and reliable so I will of course be that, and be there for her as much as I possibly can. But, ultimately, I know that we'll never be the same again and it's a real end of an era. And this helped spark a New Years resolution for me; to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try and do more things to enable me to meet more people and make new friends. I'm really going to try and focus on that. I hope to do this around other things I want to do, like life drawing classes, comedy writing, singing lessons etc. It isn't fair of me to assume that my nearest and dearest friends will grow at the same rate as me, or expect them to do the same things as me - it isn't possible. But now i've decided this, and have something new to focus on, I can move on and try and find new connections. I hope there is joy for me on the horizon.



I'm on day 3 of giving up caffeine in the hope that it'll help my digestion issues (that have flared up particularly badly just recently.) The past couple of days have been awful with the withdrawal, but i'm starting to feel more alive today. I'm hoping to not buy any new clothing for the whole year, hopefully with more success than previous years!



I truly hope that 2020 will be the best year yet. I will do all that I can to make it so.

More soon.