Sitting with a mint tea in a nearby Starbucks, ludicrously early as usual. I miss the old place on the corner where I could sit and look out at the world bustling past whilst gathering some thoughts. I am sat by a window but it’s looking out at a faded holiday inn with grey walls and the passers by are more sloping by or look tired and sad. They look how I feel.
It’s hard to be in a place that smells so good, reminding me of what I’m denying myself, like an alcoholic in a bar drinking cola. I think it is doing me good but these depressive lulls are so tough. I had them before too, but when I did I knew I could count on a black Americano to lift my spirits and give me a little bit of pep. Now it’s only chocolate that does this, and I should be ignoring this too.
Yes, I feel very low right now. Yesterday I was better and the day before that I was on a whole new level of energy I hadn’t experienced for a long time. But it was short lived. It was a light in the tunnel and I was close to basking in that glow but I’m slammed back into the depths of doom. I’m feel so doubtful. Of everything. I feel uninteresting, uninspiring...unhappy. I feel as though something bad is always on the brink of happening and any movement I make will provoke the inevitable so I feel trapped by my own way of being. I long to escape my mind. I know my dopamine levels are adjusting to this new change and I should seek pleasure from other things, like exercise, but I’ve many excuses for my reasons avoiding this. Like money, time and enthusiasm. I’m trying to walk more and I feel the benefits of it gradually but it’s more time alone with my thoughts and I often blast through data causing me to spend more on my phone bill...it’s all very silly.
My only comfort is knowing that eventually this will pass and I’ll start to feel better. This is an investment in future me and my future happiness.
I’ve booked myself a life drawing class this evening. I’m going alone. This is a normally anxiety enduring scenario but I’m going to go to it, despite every part of me wanting to avoid it at all costs. I did it on a spur of the moment but had been contemplating it for a while as I feel it could benefit my drawing style. If I have the opportunity to meet new people and potentially make new friends too well, that’s just a bonus. Because I really do need to get out there and meet new people. At the moment I feel as though I’ve only got Andy and not only is it not fair on him, it’s also not healthy. I know I’ve still friends from home and just because Robs is going through something so life changing doesn’t mean that we can’t still be ‘us’ (as cheesy as that sounds) in the future. I just feel excluded, and at the same time jealous. It reminds me of where I want to be but feel so far away from. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. It makes me think about my relationship and if we’re moving where I’d like, which one turn makes me doubtful and upset.
But then I have to snap my fingers and think - stop being stupid. You know what you want in life and you will get it, it just takes time. My life is my own and comparing it to others is a pointless task. Me and Andy haven’t been together even a year yet, it’s still too soon to be thinking about these things when this is the exciting stage that’ll be gone before I know it.
It’s his 30th birthday next week. This weekend I’m meeting his family for the first time at a country house and celebrate all together. I’m apprehensive but looking forward to it too. The following weekend I’m surprising him with a trip to Prague. I’m excited but I’m so nervous too. I know that he’s been travelling a lot with his ex so I worry it won’t be as fun with me...but I’m sure that’s just the lack of caffeine talking. It will be different with me, that’s for sure. Hopefully better. Sigh. Just wish I could dislodge that fear at the back of my mind. It’s such a dangerous way of thinking and it’s all internal, so he can’t even put my mind at ease.
Give it three months, I should feel better in three months time.
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