Last night could have easily been one of the worst nights of my life. Certainly the worst in a very long while. I felt nothing but panic between the hours of 7 and 10pm and during that time I just felt as though my life was falling apart. Everything i'd worked hard for and tried my absolute best with, suddenly meant nothing. Karma was handing me a shitty, shitty card and I suddenly saw visions of myself having to pack my things up, move to another, expensive, shitty little flat in the city and start all over again.
I wanted to die.
It was of course, a very over the top, dramatic serge of emotions. But Andy brought it out in me and I feared I’d made a terrible, terrible mistake moving in with him. To be honest, I still feel wounded by it. I’m still not 100% convinced. Last night was an enormous red flag for me. I was so devastated I couldn’t even cry.
The weekend was odd. It was full of miscommunication. We went to his friends gig on the Friday night which was fun, but we both drank too much and he ended up chatting to his mates and left me on my own to fend for myself. He thought I was fine on my own and was clearly too invested in getting drunk to think about how it could have been an anxiety inducing scenario for me. I ended up talking to a guy who was in the same situation, who was a friend of the band but without many others to talk to and we chatty happily about veganism, music and art. Andy interpreted this silently as me being ‘poly’ (because we haven’t yet discussed it (?),) and ended up sulking and assuming the worst of me. He later revealed that he’d thought I was pissed off with him (I wasn’t, it’s his stupid tired brain jumping to ridiculous conclusions) so he was acting like a child.
So the night ended with us on a long bus journey home in the small hours, mostly in silence. I felt frustrated and alone. He was spending more time on his phone and during our hangover Saturday, a message appeared from his ex with ‘You good mister?...’ and I felt my heart sink. People who assume suspicious things in others are often up to something suspicious themselves. It all steeped inside me.
We went for a run together on Sunday and on the walk home we talked about it all and concluded we had obviously misinterpreted each other and that we were both being silly. It was daft that we hadn’t yet had these conversations and ultimately I came away feeling better about everything and generally felt that we were getting closer together as result. It was all a part of the learning curve.
But yesterday evening after a boring, dull day at work, cold and soaked to my skin from the rain, I came home an empty, cold flat. His good shoes were gone, I knew something was up. I then had a text come in on my phone, telling me that he gone out for drinks with his ex, and that he’d be back in a little while. I felt myself disappear. There was no question, no notice, no - it was him, doing whatever the fuck he wanted and surely I'd be cool with it, because i'm insignificant. I'm ALWAYS walked all over, because i'm nice and that's what happens to nice people. They get used.
He has told me before that there’s nothing there between them, they are friends and he’s no interest in anything more with her, that they are better off as friends as they ever were a couple. But it really stung. Particularly after the weekend we'd had. My tired, upset mind put two and two together and I assumed the absolute worst. That she was looking to get back together and he saw her and realized what he was missing, that they ended up fucking and he never comes home.
I didn't reply because I didn't want to lie to him, I also didn't want to spoil his evening. I tried with all my might to preoccupy myself, wanted to fall asleep (and drown) in the bath, but the boiler wasn’t working. I tried to lay down in bed but I was so, aggressively awake. Tried to lay in the front room and watch a documentary but couldn’t concentrate. I just wanted to not 'be' anymore. I called my brother who listened and sympathized. He said I was in my right to feel upset and clearly this needed to be addressed. But he did try and help but saying that Andy isn’t really like that, he certainly doesn’t come across that way and I know it’s true. Deep in my gut I knew I was assuming the worst but at the same time, he has done NOTHING to reassure me. All very sketchy and shady. How would he feel if the tables were turned? I don’t know anything about their relationship, why they broke up, how often they speak, if they meet often etc, he’d kept that close to his chest. And its easy to interpret that as ‘something to hide there.’
I still hadn’t replied to his message but when it got to 10pm and I was nearly throwing up from panic, I texted ‘please come home soon’ and he eventually replied saying something along the lines of ‘please don’t worry, I’ll be back really soon’ but I called him. Sure he was sat there with her, and he heard my sad, shaky voice on the end of the phone. I'm sure I sounded like an idiotic girlfriend to her, which I hate, but apparently she asked him if we'd 'had the conversation' and was pissed off with him - but I doubt that, i'm sure he was just trying to make me feel better. But he sounded happy and his usual upbeat self on the phone. But 20 mins later he arrived home, looking worried. I was sat on the floor in front of the heater gaining no warmth. I battled the tears climbing to the surface of my eyes but stayed strong. We ended up talking a lot. I held my ground and he apologised sincerely. He told me there was nothing to worry about, nothing going on there, that he was sorry and that he would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I knew it was true but it didn’t stop me from feeling so upset that he had disrespected me so much. I said that I knew I was nice and pretty chilled about everything, often too much so and people take advantage.He said they broke up because he wasn't happy and that they fell out of love. He swore on his 'grandmothers life' that nothing was going on and that I had nothing to worry about.
We talked more and he explained that he’d met her boyfriends in the past, that he’d met up with her even when we were dating (which I hated learning but, whatever it’s happened now) he said he felt sorry for her as she’s in a shitty situation and one of the main reasons she was in the UK was because of meeting him when she did (don’t give a fuck about that, he’s not responsible for her life now,) but he felt a duty as a friend to check in with her every now and then. Which, I understand. This doesn’t have to be an issue moving forward but I just feel sad that he didn’t see how it would have made me upset. He’s an idiot. He is selfish. He is so inconsiderate. He let me down.
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that?
This is the thought that makes me want to ball my eyes out at my desk. I fell for an illusion. The apple never falls far from the tree. He’s going to drag me down to his level and years will drain away and I’ll be miserable, childless and in debt.
I’d rather die.
He tried to comfort me and tell me that he was happy with what we had, that this was what he wanted. I do believe him but...I just hurt.
I know I have to move past this. Time will help. It isn't fair of me to hold this over his head. I want us to be together and really, he didn’t do anything wrong he just went about it the wrong way. People are allowed to make mistakes. I’ve got to forgive and forget. I won’t forget though.
Among our discussion I tested the water by saying ‘so would you think about introducing me to her one day?’ (If there’s truly nothing to worry about, it should be fine if I come along, right?) he was fine about it and very ‘yeah! I nearly invited you along last night but thought...no, you know?’ I said that by inviting me along I wouldn’t have accepted as there was zero notice but, it would have lightened the situation for me.
Fuck.
He’s a prick, basically. This is textbook shit. This is all stuff that should have been talked about, but he's too stupid to think like that. Or too scared. I'm too scared to bring it up, so i'm just as bad as him. But hey, it’s another lesson learned. Not a lesson I asked for but hey, that’s not what life’s about.
I texted him to ask him how he'd feel about a quick dinner and the rest of the evening snuggling up and hopefully fucking. Because it's been a week and I miss it and I want to feel reconnected with him again. He'll probably be too tired but fuck it, i'm trying.
I feel like such an idiot. I deserve so much better than all of this but I doubt i'll ever get it because i'm a coward. And I make stupid, stupid choices.
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