09.01.20

So, what's my plan?

As Sunday evening drew to a close, the film credits rolled up and me and Andy got talking. We managed to talk ourselves through the tiredness, staying up until 3am. It was mostly jaunty, silly, chit chat but then things took a more spiritual turn and I was stuck by a bolt of thought; 'What will happen after I die?'
I do occasionally ponder this thought, perhaps once every 6 months or so. It should be a question I ask myself more, but I get myself completely overwhelmed by it and my lack of answers and unfortunately this all played out in front of Andy's very eyes. I'd been feeling doubtful earlier in the day about where we were going, and feared I was wasting my time with him, for her would never feel 'ready' to start a family so i'd be waiting until it's too late and I'll never forgive myself for believing that he would get to that point, and that i'd miss out on something I desperately want in this life...for him...just, round and round in my mind. I suddenly felt my eyes fill with tears and pictured myself in a bed surrounded by my sons and daughters, looking tired and ill about to drift into death. That was how I want to die, surrounded by my loved ones, but then with this dumb thought rocketing around my brain it completely disappeared and I saw only darkness. 'I don't want to die alone,' with tears falling down into Andy's hug. I felt pathetic and scared. He smiled and said of course I wouldn't, I was being silly and I shouldn't worry. But neither of us slept well that night.

Maybe my worries about Andy are right, but it's okay. I've got a bit of a plan. If we get to resigning the lease on the flat again, I'll ask myself the question:
Am I happy?
Are we on the right track?
And if the answer to either of those is no, I'll know what I need to do. It hopefully won't be too late to start again...

I say all this because i'm feeling hormonal, tired and in need of (another) rest. I am fearful of all of my decisions.