09.12.19

My best friend is having a baby. With a 23 year old guy she’s been seeing for 4 months. His family are elated and she’s decided to keep it. 

I’m exhausted and I’ve got the flu wondering what the fuck I’m even doing with my life. My grandma died two weeks ago. And this...hurts. I’m going to try my absolute hardest to bury this jealousy. But it’s going to be so hard. 

It’s not that I envy her relationship, or that she’s pregnant. More than she’s ballsy enough to just shrug and say ‘why not.’ Just following her heart and hope that the rest will follow suit. And they will, because it’s her. 

I hate myself for saying that. But even moreso for feeling it. Andy won’t ever understand it so I won’t bother to try and explain. It’ll be a secret I’ll carry with me until the day it ever happens to me. If it ever happens.

I’m bouncing back and forth from feeling genuine excitement for her, then depression for myself and how much I wish that were me, and that my boyfriend wanted it so much. I can only hope that me and Andy are on a path and we want to do it right but what if we’re not? What if I’m wasting my time...

Once again I find comfort in suicide. As ridiculous as that sounds. If all doesn’t work out as I hope...and pray, then I can just end it all. 

Me and Robs have always been so very different, and I suppose I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. We always talked about being pregnant together at the same time and bringing up our children and them being best friends. I know that’s a daft fantasy and I knew it was unlikely but now I know it won’t be real. And it stings. Because as much I feel grateful and lucky for the life I have here in London, I sometimes wish I could be the reckless girl many of my classmates were who stayed home. I know City life puts ladies back a few years while focusing on their careers before settling down to have a family. And I know I need to focus on the fact that me and Andy are making gradual steps to build a solid foundation to hopefully do this. We still have plenty of time. I just, needed a moment to vent and unload privately before trying to put it to the back of my mind. 

Her news isn’t taking anything away from me, it’s not like it’s my baby she’s having (although in a cruel way timing wise it kinda is, if I hadn’t have had the procedure we’d been due at the same time, NO STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT) and I know that my time will come. I’m just going about it a different way and god help me I’m trying my best to be sensible about it but it’s so hard.

I love Andy and I want the best life for us both. It’s still early days and we’ve just moved into our first flat and we’re working on making it a home. This is exciting and still a step in the right direction. I hope. I pray. That this feeling will pass.