05.11.19

It's been a while. I've missed finding the time to sit and type about what's on my mind.
I feel a bit all over the place to be honest. One day I feel great, the next, I just want to break down and cry. Thoughts of suicide have been crossing my mind more frequently than i've ever known. I don't believe it's something I would do, but it has been giving me comfort while i've been feeling so lost.
Really, I should be feeling found; me and Andy have decided to get a flat together. But I am scared. I should be really excited. I'm not sure why i'm not...
I've a feeling i'm still processing the pain from a few weeks ago. I think I would have benefited from some time alone but I didn't have it, neither of us did. It's still in there, under the surface, I'm still terribly sad about what happened.

I think I need therapy.

Instead I've been spending money on food, drinks, outings to escape my tiny flat. I've been trying to buy things I can't afford to help make myself feel better, it works for a spell then I feel down about the state of my account.

I've been pouring all my efforts in to him and his well-being. As a result I'm so tired and drained.

I do feel this move will be a good thing for 'us' and deep down there is excitement in there. I know all will be well in a couple of months. We'll both feel a lot more relaxed around each other with the extra space and we'll both be able to save money and I'll finally be back on track. Then I'll feel a little more secure. Maybe. I don't know. I suppose it's just adapting to even more change.