Nothing is bringing me joy today. I feel as though any progress I previously made in terms of mood has crashed straight back to square on again. And when I landed on that square, it was with a hard, unforgiving thud.
I feel overwhelmed by life today. On the tube I caught my reflection in the closing doors and saw something horrible. I looked so tired, a complete cobbled together mess who slept through her alarm - because she did. I looked about the carriage at everyone's pristine attire, warm smiles, well kept hair wearily and wondered if I've just been making an incredible mistake.
I do love Andy but I don't feel I can tell him. I hate that I feel as though I have to hold back and withdraw. I can tell that he's stressed but I still don't feel it's my place to interject and offer suggestions. I suddenly pull a blank card. Can I be myself around him? I don't know. Sometimes I do, but on days like today, I don't feel so confident.
I've told my landlady I need to move out and she agreed, to my surprise. It looks as though me and Andy are going to get a place together. On one hand i'm excited but on the other...i'm rather scared. I think it's because we haven't had any quality time together, he's working long hours and he's exhausted. I suppose this isn't going to get any better. My only comfort is that he feels 'inbetween' homes at the moment, which, I totally sympathize with. The flat is definitely my place and I know how awkward it can feel being in another persons space, especially when its cramped and small. I've tried to do everything I can to help make him feel welcome, and when he admitted feeling a bit stressed he said it wasn't about us or anything. He has some time off coming up next week thankfully, so hopefully that'll help him recharge. Perhaps he might be able to help with looking for a flat...I don't know. My expectations are low, I'm not feeling very confident but I think that's just the tiredness talking.
I wish I could run away.
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