I think i'm starting to feel to feel more normal now.
It feels as though it's taken a while to get here, though it's only been a little over a week ago everything happened at once. My body is returning to normal and I no longer feel like succumbing to bouts of crying. My strength is getting back up to where it used to be and i'm learning to be more kind to myself and not dwell too much on the tremendous, strenuous ordeal.
Things are beginning to feel a bit more normal with me and Andy too. I think he's starting to feel a bit more comfortable in the flat and I love having him around. Friday night was exactly what we both needed; a fun, silly, reckless night of reminding ourselves that we're good at the fun stuff as much as we're good at the serious stuff, for the first time in a long while I felt myself have fun. It was a surprisingly good occasion to meet his sister too, we had time to chat a bit with drinks at mine first before making our way to the club where we danced the rest of the night away.
It was a night of a few firsts; my experience trying cocaine and, my experience watching others taking it. I knew that it was a possibility, I had already mentally prepared myself for it as Andy had tested the waters inquiring as to my feelings about it. It has been something i've wanted to try but never had the opportunity to in the past. I knew that if I was with him doing it, i'd be safe and they'd be no judgement however I acted or felt. I wasn't in the mood to judge myself for it - I wanted to do something rebellious, I almost felt I deserved it after all the upset i'd put myself through. It was a blissful experience, it's something I would absolutely love to try again. I was basically myself but on a really good day. No anxiety, no worries, I felt myself smiling, talking and dancing the entire time. My limbs didn't ache, I didn't sweat, I felt quietly confident and at home in an environment that would usually frighten me.
I can see how it would be addictive, but I'm pleased to say I didn't overdo it. I wanted to sleep well and not waste a weekend recovering, though we did spend a lot of Saturday sleeping it off.
I almost feel as though the experience brought us closer together. His sister seemed to have a nice time and we got on well, she wants to meet again and I really hope that we do. Andy explained his surprise at her shyness when initially meeting me, he'd never seen her act like it before and expressed that he found it strange to watch. 'She must really like you and perhaps felt a bit intimidated by you' he said with a smile. Of course this makes me feel tremendously uncomfortable - I never want anyone to feel like that in my company! It's usually the other way around! But she made me feel relaxed, I only hope I helped her feel the same.
I was and still am slightly concerned about Andy, the way he takes drugs like a pro. He bough Ket as well which i've no real interest to try and the way his words slurred as he told me things about his work that he never had before I just...felt my heart sink. I just hope he's not going to turn into a functioning addict. Though perhaps he is already, the amount he vapes and how easily he drinks...I don't know, it's early days. It's not a red flag as such, because it was a special occasion. He's fallen into those patterns before and is very conscious not to ever again. I'm not worried yet but I know I need to be careful. It's a dangerous territory that I don't know much about and really, I don't want to know much about it. We'll just have to wait and see how things play out. For now, i'm just taking each day at a time. We're still learning about each other, still enjoying each other's company. I'm still scared about losing him, i'm not sure why but I still fear he's not being truthful about how he feels. I suppose the previous stings from previous relationships resurface, along with Mike's inability to relax without my direction. I suppose i've just got to relax and give less of a shit. A lesson I also learned by avoiding my usual, very good hairdressing salon who have helped heal my hair over the past year - I ignored their advise and dyed box blonde once again, damaging my barnet once again and had to go to another salon to rescue it who let me down big time. I'm having to throw more money at the situation to help repair it, where I could have easily avoided all of it if I'd just taken another couple of months of patiently waiting to have it done properly. Ah well. You learn the hard way.
I've been spending money I don't have left right and center. My diet is completely awful too. Urgh. Both things I can sort out easily if I put my mind to them...
I spoke to my brother earlier on who's been struggling the past month or two with his mental health. He says that things have been getting on top of him a bit and he's been feeling a bit overwhelmed. He explained that he's been contemplating his sexuality and feels he's perhaps transgender. I've been thinking about it a lot since our conversation. He's talked to me in the past about being bisexual, and I always worried he hadn't had the chance to explore it enough but what do I know. I feel honored that he can share these things with me, and of course I support and love him for whatever he chooses to do, and how he presents himself to the world. I am worried it might be a phase. His girlfriend is wonderfully supportive and very encouraging and I fear that this might make him feel a pressure to jump to an extreme but then again, I've never gone through anything like it - I can't even imagine what a massive stress it must be, questioning yourself and your true identity. I suppose out of all the stresses and strains I put on myself and the questions I ask constantly, I suppose I feel lucky that i've always been sure of my identity and the way I present myself to others, i've never really doubted it. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I feel heavy and awkward but I don't feel the need to change how people refer to me...
It'll take time. He mustn't rush. I know it'll all work out as it should and as much as I feel concerned for him, I also feel excited.
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