16.10.19

I have a post-it note on my desk with the Samaritans phone number on it. Yesterday I got in to work, my friendly colleague asked if I was okay and I burst into tears. Normal life felt jarring, just being back to familiarity just brought everything back about how I felt before I had the time off and it just made me feel incredibly, incredibly sad.
As the day progressed I started to feel better and by the afternoon I decided i'd put my name down for volunteering instead of calling them for someone to talk to. I am teetering on the edge today, though. My body feels achy, foggy and slow. It's relentless, a constant reminder every time I take a moment to pause, I feel the cramping and the discomfort.

But I know that with each day that passes, I will get stronger. I will heal. The rawness will eventually fade and I will rebuild my life. My personality will start to return and I will start to think about the future once again. I truly welcome it with open arms.

Yesterday, me and Andy got home at the same time and we decided to go out for some impulsive drinks. I just really fancied it and I think he did too. We didn't go mad, just had a couple sat outside a local pub under the warm lights and chatted like we used to. I felt as though we reconnected, covering old much loved topics, travel plans, general ponderings and wonderings together, sipping rum and cokes. We got home, made a bit of dinner together and sat and talked some more. It was so nice, just such a shame we both had work to think about and had to sleep.

Maybe we're gradually getting there in terms of 'our space' and how we are around each other. I guess i'm just getting used to his quirks and he, getting used to mine.

I'm really looking forward to the weekend, this Friday specifically. I'm sure i'll be tired and my body will need rest but I just want to let my hair down and have some fun. I know that he does too. It's the first time i've been clubbing in years and i'm really looking forward to it. I know it shouldn't be planned but I want to get drunk and carried away by the music, all whilst making a good impression on his sister, I really hope we get along well. I'm very interested to meet her and i'm sure we'll have fun.
Just got to get tomorrow done and out of the way first. I'm looking forward to seeing the back of this week to be honest...