14.10.19

Life goes on.
It is an inevitable fact we all know, but it feels a little harsh when it doesn't at least pause to stand with you in mourning for the ordeal gone through.

I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces and move on. I want to be busy, but when I am, I want to rest. I want to be around people, but when I am, I feel i've no words to say.

I don't want to dwell on what happened, perhaps because it still feels too raw and I don't want to acknowledge it yet. Maybe in a few days i'll be able to bring myself to write about it, but it might make me feel a bit sad if I were to now. What good would that do? I already feel sad about other things so, might as well just work through one thing at a time.

Andy moved in officially yesterday. It doesn't really feel real yet. I don't feel at all excited, in fact, I feel as though i've made a mistake. Something isn't sitting right with me, I'm pretty sure it's a knock on reaction from the awful few days i've been through; the pain, the emotional torment, he...has absolutely no idea and isn't that fussed in finding out or trying to sympathize. I know it's because it's awkward for him and it's been stressful for him as well, but it really didn't cut it for me and he's got a lot of making up to do. Especially helping him move all his shit into my tiny apartment, he's got it good right now. He's got it so fucking good. I feel like i'm being played for such a fool. I am being so, damn accommodating...for what?
He still even has his ex on his phone...this little icon that alerts him when she messages...I mean, he doesn't try and hide it or anything but it just makes me feel...like shit, basically. Why?
I really hope I don't end up regretting this, but I already do. I want to put the whole miserable experience behind me and start anew.

All I want to do is cry. I'm a numb shell cut out of the person I ought to be.
I'm scared and afraid.
I'm not happy.
I feel so trapped. I spent so much of my time trying to make him feel as though he wouldn't feel trapped and here I am, feeling exactly that. Why on earth do I always put people who don't deserve to be, first? I'm always right at the bottom of the ladder, always. And I look about and wonder why my life is a mess, it's all me. It's all my fault.

I've got to keep my head above water right now. Otherwise I'll get sucked down into the void and will never come out again.
I've got to focus on one thing at a time.
My hormones will balance out soon and I'll start to feel a bit more positive I'm sure. I'll go back to work tomorrow and will hopefully the normal routine will pull me back around.
I'll give Andy a couple of weeks, i'll give myself that time to let everything sink and see how I feel.
But right now, I just need to cry it out.

This is depression.