I wiped away the tears, stood up and looked out the window. I rang him, and as soon as his chirpy voice answered the phone, I felt the angst and worry subside. After I came up with some rambling nonsense and agreed i'd see him later on, I knew i'd be disrespecting myself if I didn't at least try to talk to him. I mean, if I don't feel entirely happy right now, what have I got to lose by just saying what's on my mind?
When he got back, we plonked ourselves down on my sofa and soon I felt myself tense and the words came out. Of course not in their entirety, but hey, I was lowering my drawbridge and welcoming him aboard.
We are similar creatures, him and I. We both try very hard in convincing those around us that we're absolutely fine and chill, where really there's a storm beneath the surface. He didn't exactly get what I was saying initially, but we got there in the end. I basically said that last week I was in a dark place, and that everything had been so intense and it coincided with his moving house, which took away from the excitement because I was in pain and just wanting to distract myself from what was going on. He understood and said he was so grateful for everything that I had done for him - which was nice to hear, though I wasn't saying it for praise. I also said this. I said I'd help him again in a heartbeat, i'm sure he'd do the same for me. I just worried that we'd skip forward a few years in our relationship having made this move so soon. He pointed out that he wasn't all that good at knowing how to relax, that he was often all over the place, he was independent, didn't need someone to look after him or anything, as nice as it was sometimes. I felt my ears drop hearing this, because I want to love and look after someone, and if he apparently didn't want that well...i'm clearly wasting my time. But, his eyes searched into mine knowing he'd worded it wrong and we both agreed that we'd both keep talking, both keep each other afloat of how we felt, what we wanted to do...
I do hope we'll make it through this weird acclimatizing stage, I think we will. It's just going to take a bit of time.
At least we've Friday to look forward to; a club night, which goes on until 6am. I'm going to live it like it's my last.
Every day, my body heals more and so does my mind. We will get through this.
No comments:
Post a Comment