Today is the day.
I am sat on Andy’s bedroom floor hiding away whilst his belongings are taken away and put into storage. In a few hours everything is going to hit, I am scared. But I know this has to be done, it is all a part of the process and soon it will be a new day and I can start again with my life.
I hope I will be able to forgive myself, I hope god will forgive me. I know that’s an unusual thing for me to say as I’m not religious but at times like this I truly feel as though I’ve sinned. I’m so emotional right now, I can only think of what my life could have been. I don’t know what this is going to do to ‘us’ but I know I am frightened that I’m being taken for a ride, used for convenience and disposed of when it feels good for him. I’m assuming the worst because I’m generally in a bad place. But I know it won’t be long until a formulate a plan, and I can pull myself out of this.
I am sorry to my body, and to the little person who was inside me for just 6 weeks and 1 day. I felt an attachment for sure and this whole ordeal will never leave my mind. But I want to give them the best life I can possibly give: one with strong foundations, security and of course, love. I will always have an abundance of love, for everyone, all the time. But I know that my life isn’t yet aligned to bring someone else into it and be a good support and give them everything they could possibly want.
I am so sorry. I will always be sorry. I want you one day, I want a child so much, I’m so sorry to my body who’s emotionally battered and bruised. I hope the next few hours go by easily...I am so sorry.
I know I’ve got to be kind to myself, love myself, keep telling myself that this isn’t the end, it’s just the wrong time and I’m doing what I think is best. I’m just so, so sorry. I hope the tears will stop soon. I hope we’ll be able to make it through all of this. I’ll keep trying.
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