Last night was absolutely the lowest I have ever felt. I have never, ever, felt the desire to die as strongly as I did last night as I sat in the dark, crying hysterically.
The appointment is booked. Friday, the situation I’m in right now...will no longer be. I feel nothing but sadness. My brother is worried that I don’t want to do this, I’m just doing it to make Andy happy but really, I’m doing what I feel is best for everyone involved in the situation. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe that I’m putting my poor body through it again, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to get through but I know that I don’t want to bring a life into the world this way. I don’t want to trap Andy. I don’t want to trap myself. Maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was.
I’ve just got to love myself and forgive myself. I know I’ll feel a lot of guilt for a very, very long time. But, I just pray that I’ll get another chance at this is the near future and things will be so much better, we’ll both feel so much more ready for all of this.
Please, please forgive me.
I am so, so sorry.
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