Everything feels so very, very surreal. I don't feel as though I'm 'me' right now, but a character in a movie or a play. I'm finding it hard to connect to my inner voice. There's so much noise and confusion surrounding every other corner of my mind.
This is going to be an entry of just...words. Piles and piles of words, just typing to get it all out of my system to perhaps gather a bit more clarity. It might not, it might be a whole load of jumbled nonsense. But right now, I seem to be going round and round in circles not making any progress.
I wish I had someone to talk to, who was unbiased yet positive. I think me and my brother will speak soon on the phone which I know will help, it always does, but at the same time I'm a little hesitant letting him in too much because, well, I don't want him to worry. Plus, he's enough going on in his own life as it is, he doesn't need to be fretting over his grown up sister who should know better.
I just wish I could know what's best to do now.
So, yesterday Morning I drove to Andy's flat. I usually get the train but I wasn't in the mood to be around people, at least when i'm driving i'm doing something, I have to stay focused and concentrated and I think that helped. I always found comfort in having a 'fast getaway' if need be, not that I was concerned for my safety, but in case the air soured between us and I wanted to get out of the environment quickly.
Of course, this was not necessary. But I really didn't know how he would take the news.
He bounded to his front door looking fresh, smelling clean and beautiful as he always does. Suddenly I found what I was itching to say retreat to the back of my mouth and for a good hour we had nice catch up chat about our weeks drinking coffee. That was until he asked me how i'd been feeling this week, to which I struggled to find a response and knew I couldn't hold it in any longer. I said I was okay but...had something to tell him, it was difficult and I was sorry to have to say it. I saw his face grow with concern and I started to shake. I told him that the test was positive and broke down in tears. He hugged me and held me tightly. Sobbing into his shoulder I couldn't stop saying sorry. We went to his room where it was more comfortable and sat and talked for hours. He was in shock, of course. He said he still felt as though he was still a child himself, that he obviously hadn't planned for any of this, and had a lot of questions as to how it happened. But he never one raised his voice, he was kind, sweet and understanding as ever. We had many hugs and I, many tears. It felt good to finally share the news but I also felt fear. I said I loved what we had now, how things were going and this felt like an enormous jump ahead which I was unprepared for - we both are. He said I shouldn't worry about loosing him, that he wasn't going anywhere. He said that I was one of the first people he had met who he;d genuinely considered settling down with and I said the same. He asked me if I thought I was ready, I said that I did think I was, emotionally not so much financially. He agreed. He said he wasn't scared about being a parent, more of the financial implications and the fact that our lives would change. He kept saying 'I want it all - I know that's selfish but, I want to travel, see the world, save a bit first...' I suppose many people would agree. Ideally he'd like to wait for another 5 years.
I thanked him for being honest. I said that I'd had a termination before, though it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know that if it's the right thing, then it's an option.
But here I just...don't know. I really feel so confused. The horrible truth is that if he was elated by the news, I would have been super excited. But he's a deep, rational and logical thinker. So as much as I wasn't surprised he was only understanding and calm, I also knew he'd worry about finances.
We went for a walk outside and had some lunch, we had some good conversations. He asked me what my expectations of him were, as a boyfriend, a husband - something i've never been asked before. We talked about past relationships, his emotionally abusive ex who is still a close friend, what we wanted out of our lives, where we wanted to live...it was all good, meaningful chat and I was glad we were having it, and I was happy he wasn't afraid to go there too. We walked around the park, managed to laugh and talk about other things. We talked about the possibility of living together. We went back to his, he had a couple of beers and relaxed a lot more. We were intimate, we relaxed and for a while, we forgot of all the stress from before.
This morning felt a little different though. He was clearly keyed up with energy and wanted to exercise. He didn't want me to go, but, I didn't know what I was doing there, just felt a little on-edge. I think everything was catching up with him, understandably and for me too. Yesterday I felt positive about it all, whereas today, I feel lost and confused. This has only be reaffirmed by his lack of plans in his moving out - he's got 1 week to vacate and he's nowhere lined up. Perhaps this is a red flag? I'm not sure, but there's no way I could ever be so disorganized.
I commented how it felt easy to suggest moving in together because he was looking to move and save money and I could absolutely do with doing that too. It would be a scary jump, possibly far too soon, but, it makes sense on paper. I don't want to force him, despite him saying yes to the idea yesterday, perhaps he needs to see a few flats first to realise? I don't know.
I'm acutely aware of how much I'm thinking about what he wants here. I am once again, putting myself at the bottom of the pile. I'm not sure if i'd feel this way so strongly if we weren't in our current situation, but the bottom line is we're still early days and living together can put a real stress on the relationship. I guess we're both cautious of that and will always be.
I'm sure if mum was involved with all this, she's tell me to tell him to act together and stop being a wuss. I do feel sad that he feels he has to move back into shared living again, especially as i've only known him in his own space where I believe he feels happy. He says it's all so he can get back on track financially but, it's a serious change of lifestyle.
I suppose a baby is too.
Fuck.
I'm running out of time.
*
Waiting on hold to make a consultation for a termination...do I really want to go through all of this again? I'm not sure that I can, in my soul...I just want to try and do something, anything, to try and make things better. Be proactive in the very least. But right now, the whole experience just makes me want to cry.
I know Andy said that if it was something I wanted to go through with, he'd support me and do the best he could...I suppose that's all I could ever ask.
I hung up.
I don't think i'm even ready to think about it yet...
Going to talk to the brother, i'm sure he'll help cheer me up. I know i'm not alone in this.
I just feel very scared.
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