05.10.19

Today isn’t a good day.
I hate Saturdays on my own. I just don’t know what to do with myself, I feel so uncomfortable and at a loose end. I’m hyper aware of my surroundings, people are too noisy, even in my own flat today I struggle to find peace.
I’m going to try and seek solace in a nearby park to try and collect some thoughts.
If it’s not youths having the time of their lives together all cool and free, I’m bombarded with happy families with their young children playing and laughing. Each one stings the same as the other. Why was it that before I found myself here, it was all I wanted? And now I’m in this predicament, I feel like my life is over.

I’m so alone. I don’t know where to be. I want to see dad but tomorrow is the only day Andy is free and I know I have to see him. Fuck knows how I’ll hold it together. Today, I want to keep it a secret, go through that god-awful procedure without him knowing so we can go back to how....well, we already are, to him. But for me it feels like the whole world is suddenly different, my mind is skipping ahead years and years it’s making me feel so dizzy.

I don’t know how I’m going to find the words. I’m just not sure I’m ready to accept that our relationship, if I can even call it that because fuck me I don’t know what to even call it...is going to change and I might lose him entirely. He’s the best person I’ve ever met, and I could well lose him forever. I’m not ready to lose something I feel has only just begun.

I’m assuming the worst because I feel it’s all I deserve.

I really don’t know what to do.
I feel suicidal. Right now, I’d rather take my own life than have to face telling someone I care about the most something so...life changing and then having to decide what to do. I don’t know if I’m strong enough too.
Right now, I feel so weak. All I want to do is sleep but my body won’t even let me do that.

Maybe the worst outcome won’t happen, but I’m doubtful because he doesn’t let me in during the best of times. I’ve no idea what he’s doing half the time.

Today, I’ve no faith in anything. It’s a real slum. I’m right by the dust on the ground.
I hope tomorrow will be a new, better day, I suppose I’ve still time to deliberate things. I just can’t help but feel as though my life is completely over.


I’m sat on a park bench holding back the tears. I feel so pathetic, so lost.
I just wish someone would come and take me away. Why is nothing certain, why is my anxiety you always tested.
Why can’t I be someone different. I need a cuddle.


‘You okay darlin?’ A nice handsome man and his daughter asked as I clearly look like shit...it was very kind and very welcome.
But no, I’m not okay.