04.10.19

I was going to drive to his tonight to talk but after learning that he won't get home til after midnight, with an early start on Saturday morning...I thought I'd perhaps wait until Saturday evening or Sunday instead, so he's had some time to rest and recharge. I know it's impossible for me to control how he'll react to the news but I want to help at least in when I tell him. I suppose I have a little control over that.
It just, all feels incredibly surreal right now. I don't feel as though i'm in my own body.
I'm giving myself the excuse to use this time to think about what it is I want out of all this. But more than anything I just want to talk to him about it. I want to know where I stand so I can process what to do next and get my mind in that zone so I can prepare. Because right now, I don't know what to feel. He could be dead against it and never look at me the same way ever again. He might be open to a conversation, to share how we both feel in a calm and mature way. It's such massive, massive news, on a scale neither of us have had together before. I just dearly hope he won't end up letting me down. I want him to prove my initial thoughts correct, but I know there's a 50/50 chance it could go either way.
I just feel petrified that whatever happens, my life is going to change. Whatever happens. Our relationship is going to change because of this. I'm not sure i'm ready for it to.

But then I suppose, many things happen in life we're not prepared for and have to get on with. I just hope we are able to talk and come to a decision together.

I think I want to keep it but, i'm scared to let myself get too attached without him even knowing yet.

I just want to fast forward to Sunday when hopefully, somehow - god even knows how I'll even begin...but eventually, the news will be out.